You know those days that are so bad they write songs about them. It was one of those. A day when I woke up just wrestling with God and myself. But I chose to fight and take my thoughts and emotions to God, to filter my thoughts through God’s truth. And then these amazing series of events happened throughout the day, and in each, God drew me closer as if whispering in my ear, “Kasia, I am working. I am not done. There is a greater good. I am preparing you and using you, just hold on. I have you and I am not letting you go.”
John 6:44-48 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him. And I will raise him up on the last day. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life.”
This is the power of God in the simple every day. It’s me facing my emotions, my demons and finding the courage to be vulnerable anyway. It’s choosing to be still and open hearted even when I’m scared and not chose to be on the defense. As Brene Brown writes, “I am strong and struggling, brave and afraid, tough and tender all of the time. I don’t have to be one or the other… I can’t be all in if only part of me shows up.” This is how she describes being wholehearted, and this is how I am learning to live and love in Christ – to take Jesus at His word.
John 4:50-51,53 “Jesus replied, ‘You may go. Your son will live.’ The man took Jesus at his word and departed. While he was still on the way, his servants met him with the news that his boy was living…Then the father realized that this was the exact time at which Jesus had said to him, ‘your son will live.’”
This man trusted Jesus. He took him at his word and moved forward in confidence that Jesus would do what He said he would. Little did he know that we serve a God who has already done it all. Time is not the same for Him as it is for us. In that very moment when this man cried out to Jesus, Jesus answered him, even if he would not see it for a while longer, God met his heart need the instant he reached out to Him.
Over the past few months I’ve been unearthing past trauma that for many years took away my willingness and ability to be vulnerable. I’ve been facing past pains and recognizing them when I feel ashamed in a given moment. I’m seeing how my fears can shape my interactions and ability to give more of myself. I’m recognizing that in my deepest moments of pain I was capable of taking it out on those I loved most, because they were a safe place. Those I loved saw through it and were able to handle it. I love them for that. These are the people who still stand by me and love me.
I’m allowing God to sift through all of the past pain, as uncomfortable as it may be, so He can heal me, completely. He is doing a greater thing in me I starting to see it. I’m still in the transition as the father in John 4 was. What I’m learning is that this transition is an amazing opportunity and it’s filled with blessings and miracles that I get to witness and be a part of, not because of who I am but because of who God is. It is allowing me to separate the past from the present and the future. It changes me and those around me. I’m not in it alone but I do need to grow by myself, no one can do it for me. We serve a God who we take at His word. No matter where we are in life, we move forward in full assurance that He has already made a way, and it is so good.
Ps33:11-22 “But the LORD’s plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. What joy for the nation whose God is the LORD, whose people he has chosen for his own. The LORD looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do. The best-equipped army cannot save a king, nor is great strength enough to save a warrior. Don’t count on your warhorse to give you victory — for all its strength, it cannot save you. But the LORD watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love. He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine. We depend on the LORD alone to save us. Only he can help us, protecting us like a shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we are trusting in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone.
Without fear there cannot be courage. I chose to depend on God for my future, and some days I am still fearful of what that may entail, but he protects me on the days I’m more vulnerable. Some days it’s ok to be afraid. He is trustworthy. He works so powerfully to unearth these things in my heart so I can see this process of healing and transformation become a practice in the way I see God, myself and those around me. Christ transforms, I need only take Him at his word.