Like a blanket with one loose thread and when you pull it it just keeps unraveling until you're left standing there with only just a thread. This is my heart. It has come unraveled.
Where is God when it hurts? Have you ever asked that question? I have and am asking it today. My heart is broken over a relationship that has ended. I guess more than just my heart is broken -- my dreams are shattered as well. I keep crying out to God, but I'm afraid He cannot hear me through my tears. And then I realize, it must be me I cannot hear Him through my tears. God has never moved. He is still where He always is. I must move closer to Him.
I've got this picture on my desk. It's a picture of Jesus holding this little lamb close to Him. I want that to be me today. I want to feel the arms of Jesus holding me close, soothing me as tears pour forth from my heart and soul. I also have this little stuffed lamb on my desk that is softer than anything I've ever felt before. I wonder if this is how Jesus feels us when He holds us close to Him soft and precious. I want this to be me today.
I wonder when I will run out of tears. Will this pain ever end? Why did God allow this to happen when all this time I have been obedient to Him? There are just more and more questions and no real answers at least none that bring me comfort.
I know Jesus loves me. I know He has a plan for my life. I know He wants what is best for me not just what is good. I just wish He would let me in on the secret instead of letting me sit here and wait. But He does know best and He knows that if I knew what His plan was, I would want to hurry and rush into it and not allow the things that need to happen before hand happen in their proper time.
I am anxious. I am coming unraveled. I've cried out to my friends and my family, but there is only so much they can do for me. They can sit with me and hold my hand while I cry. They can send me emails to try to cheer me up. They can call me and listen to me as I ask all these questions with no answers. They can pray for me. But they cannot make this pain go away. I know that. I must lean on and rely on God to take my pain. I wish I could just let go of it. But right now I don't know how. I don't have any answers except one Jesus. I pray He hears me and holds me close to Him like one of His precious little lambs.
"The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering, or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations." St. Francis