I find it interesting whenever I fall, it is in front of “important” people whose opinion of me matters. Yesterday, my hero/mentor/brother told me to look out for a screen so I don’t hit my head. Half-joking and half-defensive, I replied, “I CAN see! I can’t walk or talk, but I CAN see!” At that moment, I tripped over a cord and fell while the Worship Team sang I’m even ready to fall in the song, “Courage”. He helped me up and my shoe fell off, so when he loosened his grip, I fell again! By now, we are laughing so hard that I lost my balance for a third time AND FELL AGAIN! Did I mention this was on a stage that is broadcasted on the internet all over the world? Did I mention this was the same man who I fell behind two years ago and broke my hand?
When I focused on not hitting my head, I took my eyes off the cord that tripped me. To be more accurate, when I focused on proving I am not as ‘weak’ as perhaps I am, I took my eyes off God who strengthens me. The God who gives me what I need, when I need it whether I want it or not. In this case, he gave me humility and wisdom – rather than being humiliated (interesting how close this word is to ‘humility’) beyond belief, He blessed me with understanding my need to acknowledge limitations. It’s not even about cerebral palsy – people fall all the time. I foolishly believed I don’t need to be warned about stumbling blocks – both physical and Spiritual – and end up being blinded by pride to extraneous barriers.
Hours before my falls, I had asked God to show me ways my heart has become so embedded with worldly values that I fail to recognize sin in my life. Never did I consider ‘pride’ as an area of sin. Yet further reflection clarifies how defensive I continue to be with cerebral palsy, including how offended I was when someone mistook me for another lady with C.P. from hearing my speech. This was an honest mistake, yet it really bothered me by hurting my pride.
We may want to hide our sin from God and even ourselves, but as Proverbs 28:13 says, He who conceals his sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
One final thought: When you pray the following prayer, be prepared to be enlightened! Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. – Psalm 139:23,24.