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My mom was unable to write a devotional article and asked me to take the honors this week. I must warn you, as many of you will soon find out, that I am not the writer in the family. I am sure that it will become apparent why I am not an English teacher. I am in the teaching profession, but instead of teaching about the joys of writing and parts of speech in the English language, I focus more on the logical side of the fence. Numbers, variables and equations are my strengths. I recently moved to South Carolina to begin my teaching career. In fact I was so ready to begin my career, that I moved 713.96 miles away from home (I used mapquest, could you tell?). Teaching, this year has been a great joy. I can honestly say, and do often, that I love my job. It reminds me of an old Polish saying that my dad says often, “Find a job you love to do and you will never have to work a day in your life.” Secretly I am not even sure it is a Polish saying. If we were Italian, I am sure that it would have become the old Italian saying.

How true is that saying? Recently I have experienced quite the opposite. Since my teaching profession has just begun, this does not say much. The event that I will share with you was just a slight hiccup for me, which makes me constantly dread the day I experience the full blown “flu” of the teaching world. Maybe that “old Polish saying” will soon kick into effect and I will not have to even worry about it. To be completely honest, a lot of the problem was after Christmas break, I was homesick. I felt lonely and I missed my family. I started my day trying to not let this consume my emotions. I wanted the students to still know that I cared for them deeply and that I would still do everything and anything it took to make a difference in their lives. I think I expected everyone, including myself, to come back from break with a new attitude of learning, feeling refreshed and invigorated. However, I soon found out that was not the case.

After a few weeks, I even called my favorite class out on it. Is there an unstated rule that teachers are not supposed to pick favorites? If so, this is one rule out of many I am sure that I have broken. My second period class had become rude and disrespectful, something I was not used to with them. They began to complain more than I had ever seen and they constantly fought with one another, tearing each other down. I stopped my class in the middle of some notes on fractions and decimals and asked them to explain what was happening. In hopes, of turning this path of destruction all the way around, I soon found out that instead I just made the path wider. They began to complain more and soon it became directed at my math class. In the midst of my homesickness; I had begun indulging all my time in planning my lessons. Not only did I plan lessons almost every night and weekend, I racked my brain for fun activities to use in my classroom, to bring liveliness to my classes. The more time I thought about my job, the less I had to think about how much I missed my family. So when a few girls decided to wake me up out of a blissful dream and inform me that my class was boring, I kind of lost it. The comment hurt, especially because I was trying so hard to make math enjoyable. However what hurt the deepest was how rude and disrespectful they were being to me. Shaking with anger, I called the front office for someone to come and supervise my class. I escaped to the teacher’s bathroom and sobbed on the floor. I still feel ashamed to admit that the reason I was crying was because an 8th grade girl with a bad attitude said my class was boring. Luckily this all occurred on a Friday and I had the weekend to gather my emotions and become a strong middle school math teacher again, instead of a sensitive first year teacher right out of college.

The following Monday, my students walked in and we began our normal procedures. I had prayed over the weekend numerous times about how I was going to settle the situation that took place on Friday. Finally, one of my students broke the silence and asked, “Miss C, are you mad at me?” I looked at her and in that very instant all my anger and resentment towards her and the entire class left me. All the lectures and profound words of discipline suddenly escaped from my being. I looked at my student and simply said, “No my dear.” I told the class that the reason I was so upset on Friday was because I loved them. I told them that if I didn’t love them or care about them, the things they said to me would not hurt at all. I would characterize them as selfish middle schoolers who do not care about school or the feelings of their teachers. I began teaching that day’s lesson and still as of today I am working on how to be their teacher who disciplines them, a teacher who shows them what is right and wrong, and yet a teacher that loves them and shows them forgiveness. In a sad reality, I cannot be sure that they see this in their home life. I am bound and determined that regardless of their home life they will see this at school, through the actions of their teachers.

After this experience I began to think about how God must feel when we treat Him badly or do not recognize His power. How many times have we let God down? His love for us is unimaginable, way more than I could ever love my second period class. And yet, we disappoint him a lot greater than a single comment of having a boring math class. I just think God must look down on earth sometimes and just weep. He weeps for the people living their lives daily without him. He weeps for the people that choose to believe that he is non-existent. These are the extreme circumstances, but I think about times when I have questioned God about the events taking place in my own life. “God, do you really know what you are doing here?” Sound familiar? Have you ever been so mad at God for not giving you the answers when you demand them? How many days go by when we live our lives for our own flesh, not even giving God a single thought? And then, when we do, we blame Him for all the wrong that has happened in our lives. I cannot help but believe that our lack of trust in Him hurts. The reason?….because of His GREAT LOVE for us. He loved us so much that he was willing to give up His own son for our sakes. Sometimes, I have needed to ask God myself, “Are you mad at me?” The question arises from my lack of trust and my sinful nature. And yet I think that when we shamefully mutter that single question to God, he looks down on us with tears in His eyes, and says simply, “No, my dear.” My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:19).

I still do not really expect anyone to understand what I went through that day with my students. I have had many tell me that it is 8th grade math, of course there will be students who will think it is boring. I have had people tell me that in middle school, students do not understand all that teachers do for them. Many tell me that there could have been a lot of worse comments that came out of an 8th graders mouth. Since I began teaching, I have been so privileged to receive many positive comments from my students and yet this one single negative comment shook me up. And while all of this is true, I still blame all of my feelings and emotions that day on love. I know that the experience that took place that day changed me. It brought me to my knees and it made me realize how much I love my students. I want to show them this love. Being a teacher who cares and loves her students passionately is who I want to be at the end of the day. Yet I am in the midst of finding that balance, the balance between love and discipline, which so many parents are forced into learning early on. I am definitely not ready to be a parent, but I am a teacher. And instead of having a child, I have 49.

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

"The Way" from Kevin Pauley

The First Sin