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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
If you knew you were going to die, how would you live your life today? I am dying. I recognize that I am dying every day, and so are you. I decided to hold on to this image this past week and make it as vivid in my mind as possible. It changed my entire attitude and approach to my everyday tasks.
I got sick of letting my crazy thoughts get the best of me and I got sick of letting my insecurities smother me. I let the message sink in, “Each day is NOT promised”, and yet we make plans and promises to ourselves and others as if we have so much time. I have heard these sayings about not living for this life before, and frankly, they can become cliché really quickly. I can think, “Good grief, yet another religious person tellin’ me how I should strive towards heaven. Ugh, easier said then done!”
However, this week I swallowed my pride and really let the words sink in. When I did, I realized that I cannot be blinded by my insecurity if I see life the way God sees it. His plan here is really temporary and I get stuck and bogged down when I forget to make the most of life at present. I can waste time hoping that guy I thought was so great will call and realize how great I am, or I can go about living my life and let God bring the man into my life who will leave me with no doubt of exactly what he thinks of me. I can stress at work and try to over compensate and get all paranoid about what others think of me and my work, or I can simply focus on doing my best with the task at hand and let my work speak for itself.
It is so much easier to let go of my insecurities when I don’t focus so much on the false comforts that I would otherwise long for. I cannot make the most of each day if I give into the insecure thoughts; “You’ll just get rejected”, “You’ll never be good enough at this job”, “You still haven't changed that? You probably never will”, “Why bother trying, you’re just going to fail and disappoint?” The worst is when I start listening to all the messages society feeds me and try to measure my life by its standard - Ugh, you want to get depressed? Try keepin’ up with the Jones.
Zach 10:2 (NIV) The idols speak deceit. Diviners see visions that lie, they tell dreams that are false. They give comfort in vain. Therefore the people wander like sheep oppressed for lack of a shepherd.
Satan comes after me with a vision that entices me with false dreams that only lead to deeper insecurity. I get blinded by dreams for this world and get stuck in my insecurities trying to live up to unrealistic expectations and trying to measure others by my unrealistic expectations. If I do this enough I begin to lower my standard, God’s standard for me, and I can easily settle. I listen to the lies and I die a little each day, holding out for the fake comforts, and squandering the day I have been given. This way of thinking can sneak-in in such small ways; I am in a great restaurant enjoying a wonderful meal but I start to long for some other kind of food so much so that I am less grateful for what I have before me. This way of being can snowball into something much bigger and more dangerous; I am spending time with a person who I love spending time with but long to be with someone else. How hurtful would it be to be on the other side of those thoughts? I can go on, but I think you get the point and can fill in your own scenario. What shadows of dreams are you chasing?
When I live like I am dying I don’t let my insecurities get the better of me. I don’t listen to the idol’s call. I don’t wander away in the wrong direction nor do I try to carve out my own path. I am able to identify the lies and distinguish the stranger’s voice from that of the one who truly loves me. I don’t waste my time pondering, pining or searching. I just do…I live! No more looking back at what was and no more mulling over what could be. I know that this time and perspective will not be a constant in my life but it is one I will always aim to go back to because I never want to settle for less in any aspect of my life as a result of loosing perspective. I need to keep listening to His voice to never forget what it sounds like.
John 10:3-4 (NIV) The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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