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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Walls are built to keep predators out, but if not careful walls can keep the good out along with the bad. Walls can also serve to imprison those inside of them. The more I seek to draw closer to God the more I see how he has been bulldozing right through my walls over the past few months. I have seen how I can trust God with the outside layers but there have been layers deep down inside that I have still managed to hedge off for myself. Whether it has been getting my sense of worth from my accomplishments or my sense of confidence from the attention and affection of others, God has pushed out all sorts of thoughts and fears from the darkest corners of my heart right into the light.
I have not always trusted that God had me where he wanted me. For the time being I can say I indeed trust that He has me where He wants me and it is where I am supposed to be. (Let me emphasize the time being - meaning the present, because lets face it, I will be questioning Him again soon.) I am not saying this because times are great or because I am by any means where I would like to be in life. However, as I have taken the time to look back and reflect on just a few of many times that God has provided for me I have seen how He has brought me out of the bushes I had wondered into and onto a path better than I could have ever fathomed.
Numbers 23:19 (NIV) God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?
Joshua 23:14 (NIV) You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.
Despite all the fulfilled promises, I am still afraid to hope at times. Hoping can be such a scary thing when my knee jerk reaction is anticipation of disappointment and pain. But the more I trust in God’s love and search out what that abstract concept (God’s love) really means, the more I am able to exchange my fears for hope - little by little.
1 John 4:16 (NIV) And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
I also realized that I can no longer trust in small doses. A little bit of Jesus can only inoculate me from trusting God fully and as a result keep me from a Trust that results in limitless possibilities. Just look at the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17-23, he was inoculated just enough with holding to the law that when trusting God became inconvenient he couldn’t do it.
When I trust a little I am never satisfied. I am open to 'possibilities' at work and in my personal life, but I question them and all other opportunities as they come. When trusting is inconvenient for me I can quickly revert to relying on myself and giving into fear. The two things hardest for me to trust God with completely are my romantic life and my reputation. This can result in worrying about my future on all sorts of levels. As a result I can dissect every moment, give into worries, or even launch into profiling every person of the opposite sex taht crosses my path. Or, I can simply enjoy the people and opportunities that God brings into my life without putting each under a microscope. Sometimes I just have to take the leap into the unknown, ironically knowing that whatever I am willing to let go of will only result in receiving a hundred times more.
Mark 10:29-30 (NIV) 29 "I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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