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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Sometimes I have these moments when things just click into place in my mind. Seeds that were planted years ago finally sprouted, pushing through to the surface. I have always loved people deeply, at times, with all of my heart. As a result I would take on their hurts and pains as though they were my own. I would try to fix them if they were broken and comfort them if they were hurt. To my shame, I would pride myself at being the one that was able to get “close enough” to do this. As the closest friend, I was “special”. However, I would also feel great pain when I was not enough and get frustrated, even angry, if they did not change or heed my advice. There have been times in my life when I just did not feel good enough and did not know why.
Deuteronomy 6:1-21 (NIV) 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
I am not supposed to love people with all my heart. I am called to love God with all my heart and love people from the heart. When I love God with all of my heart I can get better instead of getting bitter. With God I can move forward. I can think the best of people. When I do this for God I don’t set expectations on them because I no longer want to be their God, and I no longer make them mine. I can serve others from a healthy place and not feel burdened. I am no longer the focus, God is.
Deuteronomy 4:32-40 (NIV) 39 Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other. 40 Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time.
When I give too much of my heart to someone other than God, I set them up for failure because my expectations of them are too great. If I give them my entire heart, they fail me and as a result I fail them. It can be dangerous because it leaves me susceptible to give my heart to those who cannot honor it. Those who do not honor and protect our hearts can leave us feeling like we were lacking something. Over time, I have learned to remember my entire heart is reserved for God. With this in mind I am able to think of the other person without getting clouded by my own ulterior motives. With God I am more than enough and therefore I cannot be tempted with anything less. I can have moments of weakness when I forget this and a twinge of doubt wells the tears to the brims of my eyes. In those moments I may need a reminder, but the truth remains - I am His precious child. When I prioritize God in my heart I am always enough.
Deuteronomy 8:1-15 (NIV) 15 He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock.
And yet it is God’s mercy that makes me more than enough, not any talent of mine. I have to guard my heart from letting it sway too far in another direction, the self-righteous direction. Yes, I am more than good enough, but it does not make me better than anyone. He goes before me, He guides and protects me.
Deuteronomy 9:1-6 (NIV) 1 3But be assured today that the LORD your God is the one who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire. He will destroy them; he will subdue them before you. And you will drive them out and annihilate them quickly, as the LORD has promised you.
4After the LORD your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, "The LORD has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness." No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the LORD is going to drive them out before you. 5 It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the LORD your God will drive them out before you, to accomplish what he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. 6 Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Like the crippled woman in Luke 13:10-16, I realize I am crippled. I, by myself, am a mess. I will always need Jesus to help me straighten up. It is when I acknowledge my weakness and His mercy that He calls me. Recently, it was when I was at my most vulnerable that I felt like I was able to help some people I really care about. It was not through my words or because of my righteousness that they were responsive, but because of God’s mercy. Sometimes we need this sober perspective. God loves us but without Him occupying our entire hearts we are just a bunch of stiff-necked people who are apt to repeat the same mistakes and hurt each other out of our selfishness. With God we are able to love each other more deeply and maintain healthy boundaries. God is Love; if I am where He is I will be in Love.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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