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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
I have been facing some of my fears as they have been exhibiting themselves in different forms in my life this past week. One morning I woke up and just felt scared. I felt guilty and inadequate and wasn’t sure if God could really use me. For some reason on this particular morning I woke up dwelling on some past lost battles which I felt I had lost. I don’t know what exactly triggered it but I do know that the fear I felt was very real. God spoke to my heart through the following verses in 1Corinthians. I don’t know why this week more so than any other my fears seamed so much more real and tangible but I do know that God continually revealed Himself in my moments of weakness. I truly believe that that there are two kinds of fears: healthy and unhealthy.
1 Corinthians 2:3-4 (The Mesge): 3I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate--I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it--4and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, 5which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else.
When Paul was telling the Corinthians about Jesus he was scared! He was afraid despite his otherwise strong personality and he saw that it wasn’t him that people were drawn to. I think I miss that a lot of the time and want to credit my personality. There are moments where I can feel not good enough, not smart enough and simply afraid. When I feel this and still think that it's my personality that wins people to Christ I can take on the attitude of God when I blame myself for something that is out of my control. In reading these versus I saw some things I had not seen before. First, I saw that fear is normal and second, I saw how truly powerful God is in helping us overcome it. There is nothing in my character or personality that He can not work through or despite. It all came back to His Spirit. Verse 4 gave me such peace. I think sometimes I can be deceived into thinking that it really is something in me that impresses or draws others to me but in fact it’s God’s Spirit all along. He will use me despite my fear as long as I keep seeking to be used by Him and He will work in peoples lives despite me and all my shortcomings and irrational fears.
Another day, another moment- again griped by fear. This time the emotion manifested itself while I was actually trying to talk about it. I was sharing my fear with a friend and found myself feeling the very thing I was talking about. In this moment I realized that something didn’t add up; If fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger than why was I feeling it when no real danger existed? A lot of the time my unhealthy fears are brought on only by the danger I foresee not any actual danger. Fear of pain, not its actual presence, fear of being alone, not the actual state of being alone, fear of rejection in a moment of utter acceptance, fear of failure in an instance where I have no control or power to fail or succeed. We want to be loved, like Beyonce said, "Flaws and All". My unhealthy fears can prevent me from continuing to seek and see God. They can paralyze me and stunt my growth. If I give into them they can prevent me from sharing Gods word with others, from growing in my relationships, from taking steps of faith and from enjoying so many of His blessings. Being in touch with healthy fear can help me in moments of doubt.
Prov1:7a (NIV) 7 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
As I read this proverb I could see – wisdom actually begins with fearing God! When I fear God in a healthy way His eyes become the only ones that really matter and He holds my gaze. Part of wisdom is learning what to fear. When I give into ungodly fears I can let them run my life and get stuck versus see the life I am meant to have. Letting go of my unhealthy fears this weak has allowed me to have the courage, through His Spirit, to be more vulnerable with others, to have more security in my career decisions, to let go of past mistakes and to be encouraged by present blessings. Only God can meet my deepest needs. He is the bread of life and the more time I spend with Him in His word the more courageous I become.
Ish8:13-14(NIV) 13 The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, 14 and he will be a sanctuary;
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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