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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
My story has always been one of forgiveness. God forgave me and I, in-turn, am able to forgive others and myself. Sometimes people hurt us so deeply that it literally makes our hearts ache. I recently had such a moment, and what made it worst was that the person had absolutely no idea why I felt hurt by their words and actions. This hurt more because, to me, it meant that they didn’t know me well enough to recognize that their actions would in fact hurt me, or that they didn’t care enough to acknowledge that they had caused me pain. I felt stupid, take advantage of, and small. I am called to forgive and let go and lean into God’s love for comfort and restoration. I am called to a higher obedience because my identity is not tied to how this person views or treats me, but in Christ alone who redeemed me, loves me, and forgives me.
Because of this love, I am called to be a peace maker, not merely a peace keeper.
Matthew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Yet with all that said, sometimes I just don’t want to be the bigger person. Sometimes I’m just hurt and want my form of justice.
Jeremiah 18:23 But you know, O LORD, all their plots to kill me. Do not forgive their crimes or blot out their sins from your sight. Let them be overthrown before you; deal with them in the time of your anger.
Yet, when I am on the other side--when I’m the one who needs forgiving--I always long for mercy. When I feel wronged I want justice but when it is me at fault I want mercy. Hence why I need God. I still have my little kid moments where I cross my arms and stomp my feet and huff and puff, but at the end of the day I am called to obey and to lean into God. I am called to trust in His love and protection and His justice.
Acts 14:17 Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy."
Sometimes it’s stepping back from the moment and their record of wrongs and recognizing that I may just be blowing one thing way out of proportion because I’m just feeling vulnerable, emotional and want this person to meet my need for validation instead of God.
Hurt and unforgivness can harden my heart, embittering it, blinding it from seeing past a narrow momentary perspective, one clouded by pain. The longer I revisit forgiveness the more I discover, that it’s a form of pride and it leads to death, to breakdown, to a loss of humility. I am in need of the kind of humility that softness me and allows me to lean into God for comfort. The kind of humility that allows me, through God’s eyes, to seek to understand the other side. If I humble myself and turn to God instead of seeking my justice, then the death of my pride can lead to resurrection. I emerge with a tender heart instead of a hard heart because I see the mercy I need over the justice I may have once desired.
Psalm 19:12 Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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