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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
As I have been reading “The Sacred Romance” by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis I paused on Matt23. My external life has been one of ought, duty and service, but Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for this and called them hypocrites and whitewashed tombs. What God cares about is the inner life, the life of my heart.[1]
Matt23:27-28 (The Message) You’re hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You’re like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and the flowers bright, but six feet down it’s all rotting bones and worms-eaten flesh. People look at you and think your saints, but beneath the skin you’re total frauds.
When I glimpsed this doubt inside of me it scared me. I was praying for someone to draw closer to God, but in my heart I doubted--even thought it was impossible. I had already decided this in my heart and settled on hopelessness. Instead I decided to wage a war inside myself against myself. I don’t know if this makes sense, but picture a time when you sat alone having an argument with yourself and you just kept losing no matter what side you took. This is what it’s been like.
I am in a Muslim country where family is the most important thing and God comes second. When a Muslim converts to Christianity it means excommunication by everyone and if your family decides to have you killed no one would blink an eye. How much more faith does this require on my part? I thought to myself, “How could I be an example and have faith for this person if I don’t really have faith in God’s power in their life?” I know I have been here before (I have doubted before and seen so many people walk away from knowing God). I have been in a place of worry where I grasp for something--my way, my fears. I grasp for it so tight that it translates into disbelief that God can in fact do it (whatever it is). When I do this I am really just playing tug-of-war with God. He’s got one side and I hold on to the other and pull and tug. When in fact all I really long to do is let go and give it to God entirely.
The ironic thing is that during this same time Satan was working to keep this person from studying the bible. This person ended up getting ridiculously sick on the day of a bible study and I just couldn’t help but think that in that moment Satan had more faith in this person drawing closer to God than I did or he wouldn’t have attacked. It was a frightening and yet sobering thought. Between this incident and hearing some Christians here say that they have no dreams because dreams do not come true here, my faith has been pressed on all sides. I have clung so much more to God's word and searched so much harder for His heart in all of this. I know that God loves these people so much more than I could and He desires to show them His immense love. So as I fight for my heart, I strain to praise him and have faith in what is yet unknown to me. I remember how He worked in my life and continues to do so.
Psalm 34:1-10 (The Message) 1 I bless GOD every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise. 2 I live and breathe GOD; if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy: 3Join me in spreading the news; together let's get the word out. 4 GOD met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears. 5 Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him. 6 When I was desperate, I called out, and GOD got me out of a tight spot. 7 GOD's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. 8 Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see--how good GOD is. Blessed are you who run to him. 9 Worship GOD if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness. 10 Young lions on the prowl get hungry, but GOD-seekers are full of God.
I am really learning the hard way that I have to get my strength and faith from Jesus’ resurrection. Even the disciples lost faith after Jesus was crucified, but it was through His resurrection that there faith was restored. (Luke24) In my Christian life I can easily forget that the dream never dies. The twelve lost faith in the dream because they lost sight of the resurrection and it's power, but Jesus restored it. He gives us the most precious dreams, he places them deep in our hearts where no one can touch them. there has been so many times lately where I want to see and touch to have faith, but Christ wants me to have faith so that he can reveal something so much greater to me. When I get my strength from Christ resurrected I re-possess my dreams and faith, not only for myself but for others. The resurrection is so much bigger than this life, than me, than anything that can bring me down. Faith is a decision I must commit to daily.
[1] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. p9
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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