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Quiet Time

    by Kasia Kedzia

Controlled Response
Date Posted: August 21, 2012

One of my favorite e-card greeting cards reads, “You are not responding in the way I imagined you would respond when I acted out this conversation in my head. Stop it.”

I think this is hilarious because it’s so true. I have these moments. Moments, where I get frustrated or react out of emotion. In these moments I can be snappy, and impatient. These moments expose my lack of control in a given situation. They also point out that I am putting myself at the center of the situation instead of stepping away and looking through a wider lens. It can take the form of a rash response to someone’s offensive Facebook post or my impatient actions hurting others as I attempt to do something that requires collaboration my own way.

Is 41:13 “For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

I have learned that control is a longing for stability. It’s my soul longing for someone greater to really be in control, someone I can count on. The powerful truth is God is that someone. I want to be successful at the things that are important to me: career, fitness, and relationships. In my head I can have a picture of what success should look like in any of these areas. Yet, when I focus too much on my idea of success I don’t leave room for God to show me what it looks like to him. All the anxiety that can build up around my performance is lost on God. It becomes a lot easier when I remember that only God can satisfy my longings. This keeps the restlessness at bay. It keeps me from playing out hypothetical scenarios in my head in futile attempts at wanting to know how something will turn out that I have no control over. It allows me to step back, pause and seek God’s input instead of pursuing my way. At the end of the day, no matter how successful I am by my own standard, I will still long for something greater, Him.

Is42:6 […] “I will take hold of your right hand, I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles,”

Is46:4 […] “I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

I always have to return to the truth that control is an illusion. The only person I have control of is me. There are constant things in my life that I am always juggling - relationships, work and ministry. My warning flag is when I start holding onto these things so tightly that I feel like they would fall apart if I let one go. This is my cue that I’m grasping for control over grasping for God. This gives me a healthy dose of humble pie and simultaneous relief because it means his grace covers over my mistakes.

At the end of the day God is bigger. He is always present and working in my life and the lives of others. He will work despite my shortcomings and most of the time in ways that are completely unlike what I would picture or imagine. He will use each of us in ways we cannot fathom and will never ask us to do his part or the part of anyone else, just our own. It is what makes him God.

Is 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

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Biography Information:
Gods brought me a long way from the New York City Housing Projects. I studied the Bible, repented, and was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins when I was 17 and have been repenting and striving towards heaven ever since. The hardest thing about becoming a Christian at 17 was trusting that God would take care of me, meet my emotional teen needs, and help me overcome my enormous insecurity...what else would a teen girl have trouble with?

Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved  to DC  to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.

Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.

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