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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
I really need to work as conscientiously in trusting God’s love as I do in obeying His commands. Jerry Bridges once wrote that, “God’s love is an objective truth” and elaborated on how therefore; I must store it up in my mind and heart in order to then be able to use it in the midst of doubts. Trusting in the fact that God loves me allows me to continually fight to hand over my doubts and fears about my future to Him. After all if the creator of the Universe really loves me than wouldn’t he want the best for me? God’s love is what I can draw on for hope. Sounds so nice doesn’t it? Well in practice it has been like wiping your tush with sand paper!
You see, I can get frantic about my future, I can guilt myself out or simply feel like because I can not possibly imagine what the future holds then that must mean it will never come to be. Yet, sometimes I can feel like, "Well yea, God loves me and he wants the best for me, but what if I mess it up?" What if who I am gets in the way? God can love me, but he can’t force others to love me. I have often doubted in myself. I have gotten frustrated with not being able to change certain parts of my character or personality and thought, “if only I was quieter, smarter, more patient, and so on” I have been in situations where the only thought that comes to mind is, “I can’t believe I did that again?!” or “seriously I thought I had changed that?”, and “Why can’t I be less emotional?”
Psalm139:13 (NIV) For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I have read this scripture before and yet recently stumbled upon an interesting insight while reading Trusting God Even When It Hurts, by Jerry Bridges, apparently the term “inmost being” can be translated as “center of emotions and of moral sensitivity” as in God created my personality. He created me the way I am- physically, mentally and emotionally.
I can become fearful of what others will think of me when or if they see who I really am, or if they see me at a weak or reckless point in my life. I trust God can love me through it, but I fear loosing face at work, in my relationships, or in friendships. After all, people are not God and they will judge me. As a result seeing God’s providence in my life has become an amazing relief and yet simultaneously hard to put into practice in my daily walk. There are parts of my life that I still have trouble trusting God with, some big parts. I can trust His love, but I do so to a point and then look inward to myself. I think as a result of who I am He will punish me ‘in love’.
Job10:8-12 (NIV) 8 "Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? 9 Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? 10 Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, 11 clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? 12 You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.
I am God’s cheese! Ok well that’s not the best visual but what can I say, I like cheese. Job eventually figured it out too. God does not shape us and then turn around and destroy us. David snapped out of it too. He started out doubting but in time he regained perspective:
Psalm 13 (NIV) 1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? …
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
It has been really cool (for lack of a better word) to see that who I am not only physically and not only when I’m feeling like I’m doing well spiritually (whatever that means) but who I AM is exactly who God made me. I can trade in the sand paper for some Charmin’s.
Yes, I have things to work on and no I am not excusing the sin that I need to constantly repent of, but what I AM, flaws and all, was created by God and He loves me the way I am. When I see this it is easier for me to trust in God’s love for me and easier to let people in. It is easier to trust in God's timing and not try to rush through the chapters just to see how it ends. It is easier not to compromise or let others obstruct my boundaries. I can stand fast and trust that His plan will work out for His good and I will love it. I will rejoice in it and I will have no regrets. It can take wrestling, but hey some of the Bible greats had to wrestle so guess it’s ok for me to as well. After all God is wise enough to know what is best for me.
1Cor4:7 (NIV) For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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