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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Sometimes I can feel like I am leaving my prayers on God’s answering machine and waiting for him to check his messages. I start to wonder, “did he listen to it and forget or is it just not as important as someone else’s message at the moment?” When I have these thoughts I know that they come from a fearful place deep inside, a place lacking faith and hope.
Ish 50:10 (NIV) Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.
I know I am not being very faithful when I become negative and pessimistic as a result of my immediate circumstances. I become very hopeless and pray for God to change my circumstances. I don’t trust God and rather rely on myself.
When faced with failure recently I reacted in faithlessness and self-reliance. I can’t see what is ahead, I feel as though I have tried so hard and refuse to fail even though I know it is time to just let this particular fight go but it feels like failure. It is a feeling of hopelessness and insecurity; it is a feeling of self-doubt. I feel as though I have failed at a job that in reality was never the right fit for me to begin with. Along my path at this job however, I have failed in many ways to make the best of my circumstances. I became self-focused and driven by ambition not to fail but since the job was not a good fit no matter how hard I tried I was unable to gain the praise I so desperately desired from people and I did not want to let it go for fear of failing. The question of my next career choice not being any better terrified me and frankly still does. The recognition and change I was praying for so hard had never come and the circumstances I prayed so hard for God to change had not changed in the way I desired them to.
When I am sure that God will grant me that which I hope for and am certain that he will provide according to my timing, even though I do not see any options, that is when I am able to see that my definition of failure is not the same as God’s.
Ish 51:3 (NIV) The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
When I rely on God I can, “fail forward” as Renee Swope wrote[1]. There are few things I have ever truly felt like I have failed at, which in itself is my pride exposed. It dawned on me; if I never fail how am I supposed to learn anything? I have felt God’s compassion more in these times then I could have ever understood it when I felt like I was in a place in my life where I was thriving.
I have come to a point in my adult life where I am failing at something and am faced with the choice to look ahead and not see options and to let the situation embitter me or to see it for what it really is, an opportunity to grow. I can fail graciously and look at the progress I have made in the process. If I fail forward I can hear honest feedback and see what I can do better moving ahead instead of just playing the victim. Not everything was my fault in this situation; there were office politics at play. Nor were many circumstances in my control, but as a result of my faithlessness I played a part in lacking grace with others, I made others feel judged or inadequate, I focused so hard on not failing that I relied on my strength and rarely handed circumstances over to God.
However, when I stated to pray to have faith in this unknown time and trust where I could not see what was ahead I felt comforted. This year has been hard in many ways but it has been full of lessons and has exposed sin in my heart in many ways. I feel like I have been refined by fire and as much as I would like to think it’s over I doubt it is.
When I am not afraid to fail because I trust in God’s plan even though I cannot see it, it allows me to fall forward, right into His arms. I’m not as stressed, angry, frustrated, or hurt which enables me to give to others out of His love and not my circumstances. It enables me to pray and trust that the answer will come at just the right time and according to a perfect plan not my limited one.
Psalm 37:23-24 (NASB) The steps of a [woman] are established by the Lord, and He delights in [her] way. When [she] falls, [she] will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who hold [her] hand.
[1] An article called, Falling Forward by Renee Swope, as emailed to me by a friend.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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