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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
I can easily get lost in a sea of my own thoughts. I can think through things and rationalize them to death. I have days when I feel so emotional that the only response is to just go numb and not feel anything at all. During those moments it can be hard for me to pray. In those moments it is easier for me to go in circles around the same thought than it is to actually muster up the courage to bring the feelings and emotions to the surface and place them before God.
This past week I have felt drained. I felt that some of my interactions with people were just not what I wanted them to be. The interactions were frustrating me. I was walking away from people thinking to myself, “How in the world did I draw these type of people to me?” or “That relationship did not used to be like that; what went wrong?” I have had moments where I felt like the only type of people I was drawing to myself were people I really did not want to be around. Consequently I have noticed that I can draw people like myself to myself. Where I have learned to accept my bluntness as a fault, I never expected it to come back to me. Hearing my words directed back at me, helps me to understand the consequences of my words and their effect on others. To experience this on my own skin gives me extra incentive to change.
The same way that my interactions with certain people have caused me to want to avoid them, I can now understand how people may have at one point felt that same way toward me. I’m working really hard on trying to change the dynamics of my relationships, but I know it requires constant reflection and self-control. It requires time to pause to think through a moment and not act on instinct, as my instincts are not godly in this area of my life right now. It really stinks to realize ones shortcomings so close up. In this moment I would much rather fall back on my fatalistic thinking drop all ties with the people whom I have messed up with and start all over with new people. Ok, so that doesn't sound as good out loud as it does in my head. I realized it takes a lot less thinking and a lot more prayer.
Daniel 2:21-22 (NLT) 21He determines the course of world events; he removes kings and sets others on the throne. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the scholars. 22He reveals deep and mysterious things and knows what lies hidden in darkness, though he himself is surrounded by light. 23 I thank and praise you, God of my ancestors, for you have given me wisdom and strength. You have told me what we asked of you and revealed to us what the king demanded.
I do not know who God wants to place in my life, for what purpose, or for how long they will stay. But I also have not asked. Out of fear I have not asked him to reveal things to me because I am afraid of the revelation. I have even been afraid to ask God to lift this feeling of numbness out of fear of what emotions it would reveal.
I know that if I ask for revelation I will get it. Yet, this means I have to have the courage to ask. So I read words that can breath courage into my heart and am off to pray…
Psalm 94:18-22 (NIV) 18 If I should say, "My foot has slipped," Your loving kindness, O LORD, will hold me up. 19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. 22But the LORD has been my stronghold, And my God the rock of my refuge.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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