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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
What I believe in my heart about myself deeply influences how I act. It’s kind of ironic because on a given day I can believe I am not worthy of love and act suspiciously towards anyone who tries to show me love while on another occasion I can, in my pride, think of myself higher than I ought; trusting in my own strength. No matter the cause - under- or overvaluing my worth, the effect is the same: lack of reliance and trust in God.
I have been doing some internal renovating, lifting up some of the floorboards in my heart. This has led me to rediscover some bitter sweet memories that I have had to face to truly heal and move forward in my life and my faith. One thing has been constant: God’s love. I have felt so completely supported by God during this journey. So much so that even when recently faced with human rejection I remained unfazed. I was not unaffected, but it did not shatter me. It stung and passed. My strength remained because it was in God and it allowed me to keep moving forward.
Jeremiah 30:17 (NIV) But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.'
Receiving the Love of God is a key factor in emotional healing and growth. I have been learning that we all need encouragement but there is no need to look to other people for affirmation of my value. I have also seen how distructive this could be as others have sought it in me. When my identity is in Christ instead of in my talents or my performance I am free to give so much more to others, even to those who in the past have deeply hurt me. This allows me to be a better friend, employee, colleague and neighbor.
Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Some of this new perspective has come from a deeper understanding of God’s grace and forgiveness. I have truly begun to grasp and understand what it means to have God forgive me. He has forgiven my past, yet at times (subconsciously) I have not forgiven myself. When I do not forgive myself it is as though I am saying that God’s forgiveness, Jesus’ blood, is not enough. He must be enough; after all there is nothing more he could have given. Jesus changed the dynamic of my relationship with God.
John 15:15 (NIV) I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Through Christ, God enabled us to be friends with God, to be intimate with Him. God’s ability to bring His will to pass in my life is determined by my faith in Him and His word. I can choose to trust in His Love and friendship, or I can rely on my own abilities. It takes great strength and courage to rely on God over myself, (especially when applying for jobs and not receiving responses or worst getting rejections) but I have a great starting point: obeying his commands. Sometimes I may not feel it, but when I obey he draws me closer.
Joshua 1:7 (NIV) Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.
In the past when I saw the word obedience I used to think of punishment which is usually invoked by fear. But as I have sought to obey despite my fears and warped thinking, I see how intimately God loves me. It was strange at first to see how through obedience God revealed His love to me. Sometimes the right thing can feel wrong. This is where Satan goes to work. He deceives and is a liar. He is the King of lies. Any time I give into self-doubt, a desire for self-reliance, or just plain fear I am buying into the lie, or how I like to think of it - drinking the crazy water. When I give into fear, I have to ask myself, “Am I drinking the crazy water here or do others see what I see?” Usually, my wiser sounding boards confirm when I am under the influence of the crazy water or if I am on the right path. Those who love me turn me back to Him and obedience. I am able to extend goldy love to others when I am confident in Him in the same way. I walk in this confidence as I pursue healthy relationships, a new job and my personal well being. This journey will take time but if I stay in God’s love I will make it through even the hard patches.
1 John 4:17-21 (NIV) 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because he first loved us.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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