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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
In a recent conversation I was asked about the meaning of a word. In my arrogance and need to appear in control I answered to the best of my ability but did not in fact look the word up. Luckily the friend I was speaking to did look it up, and as he read the words on the page each one struck my proud heart like a rock against a thick glass window slowly cracking the glass until it shattered. The word was earnest.
When I used to see the words “earnestly seek him” I somehow correlated it to an outward action, which is somewhat required but this particular verse is referring to the heart behind the action. I always thought that the word earnest meant eager but it actually means sincere. So when the bible tells us to earnestly seek God in Hebrews 11:16 it means sincerely, showing depth and sincerity of feeling, seriously important. This definition really helped me to feel a bit lighter as one thing I believe I am is sincere towards God.
I took great courage in this because I have recently decided to study out a subject that is very difficult for me,
1Peter3:4 (Message) but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.
(NIV) Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
Gentle from the Greek is Praus which means power under control.
Virginia Lefler wrote, “The common assumption is that when a man is meek or gentle, it is because he can not help himself, but the Lord was gentle because he had the infinite resources of God at his command.”
It truly does take great inter strength to be gentle. It is a lot easier to go off on people or get out of control. It is a lot easier to not be earnest in being gentle.
As I meditate on the different components of 1Pter 3:4 I can feel like I will never be able to be gentle, to be that controlled, but as I earnestly sought to be just that this past week I was directed towards trying to conquer that which has in the past conquered me.
Romans 8:37-39 (NIV) 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,F41 neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
This past Sunday the minister made a great point, he pointed out that there have been many people who have conquered and been accredited with greatness. Alexander the Great being one of them, but all these people conquered things that were less then them. Nations conquered weaker nations, kingdoms weaker kingdoms. Yet, to be more than a conqueror means to be able to conquer that which once conquered me! It means to conquer those things which are greater than me.
I am not a gentle person. I am passionate and that passion can be hard to harness some times. I am stubborn and that stubbornness can blind me. I am fearful and that fear can result in my relying completely on myself. From the outside it can look as though I am in complete control but inwardly all control has been lost. The louder I get, the more words I use the more frantic I am on the inside. I can let my sinful nature conquer me or I can make a choice to hate that which I desire to conquer because I will never conquer what I do not hate.
I hate the fact that I can get to a point where I simply do not care about how I sound or what comes out of me. I can be so blinded by my own desire for control that my eyes are wide shut to Gods presence. I hate that my actions which result from a place of faithlessness can hurt those around me and misrepresent who God is to others. I hate that I can become so complacent that as a result of not feeling the presence of God around me I can so cynically fall back on using my own resources even if it means making them up.
How ironic that I can be such a control freak and yet seemingly completely unable to harness and control that within me which prevents me from being gentle, from having a tempered Spirit. Even as I write this I realize that because I am making the conscious choice to attempt to be more gentle I will be tempted all the more not to be. I also know that it will take an earnest heart and a change within me of where my affections lie and what I desire. I must let go of the desire to know and want control. I must refocus my energy on desiring to cultivate inter beauty.
I can conquer that which once conquered me because of God’s power and love at work inside me. Someday when I tell someone that I’m reading a book on gentleness it wont result in laughter.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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