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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
"Sometimes the fear of loss and of pain makes us avoid risks by staying away from love, by not giving of ourselves, by living in a defensive way."[1]
I believe that fear is really a byproduct of a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward me. This applies to not only relational fears, but any decisions in my life. As I have been reading John and Staci Eldredge’s, Captivating, the book has helped me to see how I mistrust in God’s heart towards me in different areas of my life and what I can do to conquer that mistrust.
I am currently faced with a life decision that requires a great risk and although it is a wonderful opportunity it definitely involves a bit of the unknown. I need to decide whether I want to travel to a foreign country to volunteer for five months. On the one hand it really is a great opportunity that can open many doors for me in the future in my career, as well as an answered prayer since I can finally work in the field doing what I love. It is also an adventure- which I am always up for. On the other hand it's a volunteer position which means no substantial income as well as five months in a third world country with many issues. It's safe , but it's not a highly sought after vacation spot or anything and there is the whole it's five months away from people I know and care about. I can also fear missing out on some other opportunities while I'm away, not that I have any clue what these would be, it's just a fear of the unknown. However, it is only five months. Either way I am faced with dealing with my fears of being alone (I won't really be alone, I'm part of a program with other people- not to mention the country is well populated). I never said my fears are rational, but I don't feel stability or control over this situation (again more of a personal issue).
So where is God in all of this? Oh, He's right here. I just have been too scared to approach him because I'm scared the answer will not be what I want it to be. (Are you seeing a pattern yet?) In all honesty, this is an answered prayer it just has not been answered the way I wanted it to be and that scares me. It also shames me because it exposes my mistrust in God and His heart toward me. But reading scriptures on His love for me has been a tremendous help.
Jer31:3 (The Message) I've never quit loving you and I never will. (NIV sais I have loved you with an ever lasting love) Expect love, love and more love. And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again
I'm falling in love with God again and letting him pursue me and court me, take care of me, protect me and that has made all the difference. I think too often we look to people to do these things ; I know I do. Whether it's people I know or the people who are possibly giving me a job that is exactly what I do.
According to John and Stasi Eldredge, the authors of both Captivating and Wild at Hart- women struggle with not trusting in God's heart for us and giving into our fears, often resulting in controlling behavior. While for men the fear of failure may result in passiveness.[2]
Rom14:23 (NKJV) Whatever is not from faith is sin.
Well that's harsh, but I see the truth in it. Because God is love-all abounding love. When I give into any kind of fear I'm turning my back on that love, I'm not trusting in that love and it prevents me from not only loving others , but also letting God love me! The one thing He desires for me to do, the first thing He commands me to do (Matt22:37, Mrk12:30) is to love God with all that I have . So how about you? What is your greatest fear?
Deuteronomy 33:26 (The Message) There is none like God, riding to your rescue through the skies, his dignity haloed by clouds. The ancient God is home on a foundation of everlasting arms.
Ps20:1-2 (The Message) God answers you on the day you crash, The name God-of-Jacob put you out of harm's reach
When I believe that I am passionately loved by the God of the Universe and passionately hated by his Enemy I am able too overcome my fears and step out on faith. I'm very grateful to Stasi Eldredge for driving that point home for me because it is only then that I am able to embrace God's love and the love of others. I'm able to take risks because they are only opportunities to see God work and to allow Him to show His love for me . (also see: Ish62:1-5, Jer30:16-17, Zeph3:17)
[1] Huffington, Arianna. On Becoming Fearless. New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2006., p160
[2] Eldredge John, Stasi. Captivating, Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc, 2005., p48
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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