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Quiet Time

    by Kasia Kedzia

God Don't Like Ugly
Date Posted: December 9, 2008

I seem to easily forget how my own sense of self worth is related to my sense of understanding of how God defines my value. The closer I draw to God, the more self-worth I have. The more self-worth I possess, out of respect for what is God’s (me), the more I respect what belongs to God and all the more I draw others to myself who also respect what is His (me).

I have been surrounded by such amazing people in my life, however when I have not respected that which is God’s (myself), I have missed the true blessing of these people and have instead focused on those who did not share this respect for God or me.

There have been moments in time when I have slid right back into wanting things that are not meant for me. One thing that I have learned from this is that while I am capable of loving people, that does not mean that I need to subject myself to their disrespect. When I do, I suffer for it, but more importantly I mistreat what belongs to God. Some of this slippery slope is a result of where I have chosen to get my security from in the past and some is simply the stubborn, dumb pride of wanting-what-I-want-when-I-want-it-my-way.

Ezek28:17 (The Message) 17Your beauty went to your head. You corrupted wisdom by using it to get worldly fame. I threw you to the ground, sent you sprawling before an audience of kings and let them gloat over your demise.

It’s amazing that out of all the billions of people who have ever lived, no one has had a heartbeat exactly like mine (or yours). Despite my times of ugliness, God has restored me and my "beauty" when I remember that it is from and for Him. When I have been thrown to the ground it has not been because of God’s lack of grace, it has always been because of my lack of honor for Him and me.

Psalm45:11 (NIV) The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Prov27:19 (NLT) As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the person.

My heart reveals the real me—what I truly am and not what others think I am or what circumstances force me to be. On so many occasions I have freely given up my worth and given power to others to disrespect me through their actions and words and worst yet clung on to such people in my life, afraid to release them. Don’t get me wrong -sometimes this task can be very difficult especialy when the battle takes place in the mind.

This past week I cared a lot more about a person’s opinion of me rather than I did anything else. I let this desire to want attention and approval from that person drive me. As this feeling progressed, and the more I wanted to please this person, the more I began to lose myself. Now that I think back, if I put even a quarter of that energy towards trying to seek God’s approval I would be in a much better place emotionally right now. When I am trying to please anyone but God (this can include myself) I am proud, harsh, impatient and unforgiving. I can direct these negative traits towards others or towards myself. At the end of the day however, it all amounts to nothing. I truly believe that there is a reason why Ezk28:17 hits home for me, because in each of us, there is a temptation to take the credit for what is God’s. Whatever my “beauty”; attributes or talents when I claim them as mine instead of God’s, I am more susceptible to let others disrespect them because I lose sight of their value.

When I respect what is God's, I take away the power from those who disrespect me- their words and actions don't have the effect they once did. I have battled many such moments and know that I will continue to battle them for the rest of my life. I just have to stay in the fight.

“What you are is God’s gift to you; what you do with yourself is your gift to God.” – Danish Proverb (as quoted in Purpose Driven Life)

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Biography Information:
Gods brought me a long way from the New York City Housing Projects. I studied the Bible, repented, and was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins when I was 17 and have been repenting and striving towards heaven ever since. The hardest thing about becoming a Christian at 17 was trusting that God would take care of me, meet my emotional teen needs, and help me overcome my enormous insecurity...what else would a teen girl have trouble with?

Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved  to DC  to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.

Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.

Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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