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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Since returning to the country I have been fighting to transition this ‘new’ person I had become into my ‘old’ environment. I know one does not need to leave the country to change but apparently I did. In my return I have been continually faced with ‘old’ ways and wondered why the ‘new’ me has been unable to emerge. I finally realized this past weekend that the ‘new’ me has returned and her perception is a lot sharper, so much so that she can see the ‘old’ me a lot clearer, or rather, no matter how far I go when I return I still have to face my faults, my sin and because of my experience away I can see the things that I was unable to see before so much clearer. Not only can I see my arrogance and pride but I can see some of the roots of those behaviors which I was unable to see before. I also see how one of my greatest weaknesses was well and easily masked in my travels and yet it is raw and in the open here; my desire for control. My desire to be in control and be self reliant exposes my lack of trust in God. No matter how I mask it when I saw the following versus I was unable to hide from it.
Psalm 73:21-28 (NIV) 21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, 22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. 23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Vs 25 (Message) You’re all I want in Heaven! You’re all I want on earth!
Earth has plenty I want and desire besides God. I desire stuff on earth on a daily basis. I long for things here on earth a LOT! This scripture cut so deep, I could not claim it for myself. God is not enough and he has not been enough for a while. When I desire “more” and God is not enough I try to manipulate people and situations in order to be in control and play God. I see now that the reason I have not been able to cross that threshold of a deeper faith to make Him enough has been because I have refused to relinquish my control.
When I first became a Christian it was as if I had to empty my entire bag on to the floor in front of Jesus and say here is all my stuff, all of it, it’s all yours and I don’t want any of it. Yet, as time passed I slowly began to horde stuff back in the bag and there have been times when I have emptied some of the bag but it’s been a while since I emptied it ALL. I know this because this past weekend I saw how a familiar environment where I feel in control brings out an arrogant attitude toward the people around me. When I feel as though I am losing control of my surroundings I begin to attempt to grasp control through manipulation. This can even be seen when I take on the roll of serving, because by giving to another person I still maintain control. Allowing others to give to me or teach me something takes that control away.
Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Yet, I remember how when I first surrendered everything, how hard I tried to consciously in each moment relinquish control and die to myself. I had placed my treasures in God and tied a rope around them to ensure that my heart followed as I threw them towards heaven. But over time the rope frayed and I did not repair it. Who I have become over the past year has helped me to see my fight for control of me, who I am, who I will become, even who I help or allow to teach and give to me, as a fight to hold on to things on earth and against God’s control.
Mal 3:10 (Message) Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple. Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams.
So because of who I have become I can see a little clearer and with a bit more urgency some old ways which must change . I can also be encouraged by the challenge presented to me from God as a dare to go ahead and do this and watch Him open the floodgates of heaven and pour out his many blessings on to me because the one who created me and knows my intricacies, my heart, all my weaknesses is preparing a place for me, a personal intimate place in heaven. If I pour out all the junk out of my bag before Him, If I love Him enough to do that he will draw me not just a peace of heaven in the form of a “room” or promise of no tears but heaven in it’s entirety: HIM- ultimate state of love and contentment in that love. It takes a lot of effort to not be a jerk, because that is my protection and default behavior in contrast to the vulnerability of emotion which needs to be surrendered to God not just in intention but in action. I think some people have seen this battle within me but like myself were unable to quite put their finger on it. And yet every step leading up to this revelation God has been their equipping me for the journey ahead. I have His Spirit. There is nothing I can not do.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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