Subscription Lists

Being away in a foreign place can bring about feelings of loneliness to a new heightened degree. The loneliness is not obvious at first, it just sort of creeps in little by little til you find yourself asking, “wait, why did I just do that? That’s not like me” or “why I am I clinging to this person so much?” When feelings of loneliness creep in, I start to grasp for familiarity or I grasp for any form of comfort whether it be kind words, gestures, general attention, or affection from others. When I have gotten lonely or home sick I have sought attention. During these times I can use my gift for evil.

It can start by spending a little too much time entertaining complements, it can grow by encouraging attention I’m receiving that may not always be good or godly. Then it can become an ugly green monster when I begin to seek it like a drug and replace godly contentment with it.

Recently, I have received a great deal of attention. This can happen when you are new in a foreign place, but it can happen anywhere in the world at any time. I had a choice to either deflect this attention and praise God or harness it for myself. I chose to do the later and when I thought that I was at risk of losing the attention, I felt panic instead of relief. I exchanged God’s good and perfect love for human attention and affection. Even more sadly, by doing this I also compromised how the givers of attention would see God.

Usually, I know that I am placing something before God when it becomes extremely hard to let it go. I grip so tight that my nails begin to break the skin on the inside of my palms and my fingers cramp. If you have ever done this you know that once you let go, your hands kind of cramp in the clutch position for a while and the pain can shoot all the way up to your elbows. I finally released the very thing I was clinging to so tightly. Yet releasing is not the end, it is only the beginning. It is only after I release that I can see and feel the damage that I have done.

“ I long to be gracious to you. You are precious and honored in my sight, because I love you. But you—come here, you…you… offspring of adulterers. You have made your bed on high and lofty hill, forsaken me, you uncovered your bed, you climbed into it and opened it wide. You have been false to me. Yet…I will take delight in you, as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will I rejoice over you.” (From Isaiah43)

I am an adulteress when I am false to God in any way. It is hard to spot falseness straight away, usually it dwells deep within the heart where it can hide unnoticed for a while. I have seen a degree of my selfishness recently that I had never seen before. Out of selfishness I held on to something because it made me feel good about myself and gave me a sense of security. I held on to it without true regard for those giving it. I thought of only myself. It was quite ugly.

“I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me… What fault did you find in me that you strayed so far from me? You are a swift she-camel running here and there, sniffing the wind in her craving- in her heat who can restrain her? Should I not punish them for this? Should I not avenge myself? I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. What have I done to make you hate me so much?” (From Jeremiah)

When I read God’s pleading question of, “What fault did you find in me that you strayed so far from me?” a large knot forms in my throat and I feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I too remember how in love with God I once was. (I thought I still was, but my actions proved differently) When I looked deeper I saw that I found no fault in God, I had only found fault in myself. I have desired to fulfill myself and rebelled against God. To me I do not do this because I hate God; it is merely a momentary loss of sanity, a faltering in my faith and trust in Him. But to Him it is hate. When I turn away from Him even a little, He feels as though I hate Him. That breaks my heart.

“I will answer you according to your idols [your false lovers] in order to recapture your heart.” (From Ezekiel)

And He has answered me according to my idols. For a long time I have longed for attention, longed for human love and affection. When I finally got it, I was still not secure in it, it did not bring me pleasure but only brought fear and pain. This fear and pain, this weakness and helplessness, only has brought panic and frustration. Nothing was enough. I still sought something more and as a result hurt those involved. I was going in circles. At this point there was nothing left to do but to return to God.

Return to me and I will return to you. Yet you have said harsh things about me. You have said, “There’s no pay-off in this relationship. It’s not worth loving God.” (From Malachi)

I may not have said harsh things about God, but my actions have been that of ingratitude and dissatisfaction. Why else would I seek love and affection elsewhere? Why else would I turn to the world if in my heart I did not allow mistrust of God’s heart for me to linger? When I am not completely content with God’s love alone for me I cheat on him. Ironically enough when I think of a romantic relationship with a man the main unforgivable act that comes to mind is adultery and yet I have been an adulteress to God so many times. I have not only cheated, but have done it right before His very eyes and it broke His heart, made Him feel hated, made him ask why He was not good enough for me. I know the ache of the question, “Why was I not good enough?” I never want God to feel this from me and yet He takes me back. He takes me back each time and loves me even more, I can not fathom that being possible, but I know it is because God has done it… over and over and over again.

Luke 4:1-14 describes Satan tempting Jesus. Satan tempted Jesus with things he already was or already had. If Jesus wasn’t aware of what he had or who he was in God he may have been tempted to indulge Satan. But he knew and had scripture in his heart to defeat Satan’s attempt.

I have been such a stumbling block and honestly it's like looking at myself from the outside and watching it happen and going "What the heck are you doing!? STOP! Shut up!!!" but the other me can't hear me! Satan knows my weaknesses or the areas where I need to trust God more. God knows them but Satan does too and he can use my desire for attention and companionship to tempt me. With a focus on God I can be an example without it I’m just a stumbling block.

"Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is." Eph15-17.

Now the greatest challenge stands before me. If I don't stick to my decision, I will tarnish the image of God by not letting my yes be a yes and my no be a no. Know the true battle begins- My fight back to God.

"'Winging It" from Stan Smith

Inspired