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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
In the same way that I sometimes doubt the voice on an answering machine is really mine when I hear it, I can also fail to see myself the way others view me. Recently, I have been learning how to pause and take the time to see how others may perceive me and what it reveals about my relationship with God.
It came as a challenge I first received at work but quickly saw spill into all areas of my life. The more I have been releasing my control to God the more I have been able to catch glimpses of how others can view me in moments when I respond defensively or out of angst instead of the right way, because let’s face it we all know there is a right way. In my self-focused mode I have had two basic responses. The first has been reaction to what I may perceive as hostility or ill motive towards me, resulting in a snap defensive response or short tone. The second, being that of wanting to “help” but seeing my way as the ‘naturally’ best way, resulting in my insight or advice being communicated in a judgmental and harsh tone.
Jeremiah 15:19b (NIV) If you utter worthy, not worthless words, you will be my spokesman. Let this people turn to you, but you must not turn to them.
Jeremiah was surrounded by people who did not believe in God. Yet, he was called to still act right and not act like those who did not know God. God told him strait out that he would only use him if he spoke worthy words. When I surveyed my life over the past few months I clearly saw that many of my words were worthless, wether people were listening to them or not.
Matthew 12:34b (NIV) For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
As I have tried so hard to overcome life’s recent frustrations and fears, I realized that my words are a good indicator of what is going on inside my heart. My words have exposed my fear of failure and my anger towards God when things have not gone according to my plan. They have also exposed how I can be judgmental of others when they do things differently than I would do them. They have exposed my false expectations or lack of patience and humility with my family, friends, and job. I found myself responding hastily and aggressively to coworkers because I was so defensive; not assuming the best of them, or being suspicious of situations instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I was so focused on what I needed to do to 'fix things' that I was not letting God take care of me and fix it according to Him. It was not until God put so much pressure on me that I had absolutely no choice but to collapse under it, consequently and yet still reluctantly haning it all over to Him. I was then able to realize how stubborn I was being and how destructive my words and actions were as a result. All I had to do was stop and listen to myself to catch a glimpse of what others were seeing. Some may not have recognized it for what it really was but I knew better. I knew it was wrong and I felt embarrassed. So after throwing myself a small pity party, I sucked it up and turned back to God for guidance.
Ish 41:13 (NIV) For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.
It is amazing how quickly God responds to a right heart when we do the right thing despite what we really want to do. For me it has resulted in the exact opposite of what I feared. Whenever I felt vulnerable in doing or saying the right thing God has protected me. Seeing His grace for me also allowed me to show more grace to others. The more secure I have been becoming in each situation, the more I have been able to respond in a way that is worthy of God - from an on the spot ridiculous assignment/request at work to a coffee chat that unexpectedly turns into a deep discussion. When I have the right heart, even if I am caught off guard, I can do and say the right thing.
Psalm 37:30 (NIV) The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.
If I am living a Godly life there should be obvious indicators of it. I should be more loving, kind, serving, merciful, sacrificial, showing increased integrity, forgiving, patient, give those around me the benefit of the doubt, positive, and the list goes on. These are just a few of the area’s I identified needing to grow in as I began to really hear what came out of my mouth and see what was in my heart. The person who I thought I was, was not the person others saw me as. This perpetuated the cycle of frustration and fear in my life until I was able to focus on what my life should look like in the daily details. Now don’t get me wrong, I am, and continue to be, a work in progress, but even over the past few weeks simply reading and having a Godly perspective in this area of my life has made such a tremendous difference. I have been more secure in God and more at peace, which has resulted in a greater confidence of heart. When one has confidence of heart in God one says and acts a lot less stupid.
Jeremiah 30:17a (NIV) But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord…
Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV) I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness. I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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