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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
“The heart cannot love what the mind does not know.” - Unknown author
My love for God grows as I get to know him better, as I open up to him more and share experiences with him. However, I also see myself more clearly in very unexpected ways. Christianity, I have learned, is not about self-discovery. It’s about God discovery. When I learn about God I cannot help but see myself in relation to him.
I was recently able to face people from my professional and personal past who I felt treated me very unfairly. Now I stood on higher ground. I had changed and moved on and yet in one instance felt this great need to put the person before me in their place. I wanted to knock them off kilter, just a little, to give them a taste of how they had made me feel. In that moment, I didn’t do what was right. Although I was in a better place and had felt so much more secure in who God is I was not beyond letting past insecurities rattle me. In that moment I wanted fairness. I wanted this person to get what she deserved. I lost sight of what she needed and placed what I wanted and how I wanted to feel first. This situation exposed the judgment in my heart.
James 2:12-13Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.
I “assess” people all the time and by doing so I judge them based on my reference point and my context. This can be a good and useful thing or it can be destructive to God’s greater plan. It’s so much easier to judge than to look deeper; to make a snap decision and react on it. I am called to be impartial because God is and yet in that moment because I wanted my insecurity to go away I did what was selfish. I protected myself and felt fine. I stayed on higher ground but could not help feel I had somehow lost a greater opportunity.
Rom2:11 For God does not show favoritism.
My judgment was exposed through my reactions. When I want something from someone I don’t want them to be fair, I want them to grant me favor. I want something better. However, when someone wants something from me I can withhold and be suspicious. In those instances, I have a very difficult time being impartial. I want things from people all the time so who am I to judge. If I am truly honest with myself; if I were to treat the people I encountered the way I want to be treated I would not treat them with fairness. I would treat them favorably.
God is impartial and he does not show favoritism. As I read through James 2:1-13 I saw this impartial, merciful God so clearly that I could not help but see my lack of mercy. I need mercy. When I accept God’s mercy in my life it empowers me to treat people the way I want to be treated. We have equal value before God. There will always be an opportunity for me to feel better about myself by making someone else feel worse. Most of the time that is not the intention but it is what comes out of our hearts as a means of self protection. It’s the compliment you do not respond to or when you act like you did not hear someone say something because you don’t want to respond. It can be overt or covert. When this happens it exposes what I still have to learn about God. My actions expose this. Will I treat them (whoever they may be) favorably? When I learn about God’s mercy it allows me to love deeper. I am empowered to love what I now know.
Mercy withholds punishment. Genuine faith shows mercy. My heart is transformed by it. I did not, nor do I presently get what I deserve. I was chosen for favor not fairness. I know I will have other opportunities to put my self aside for others. I have a choice to make everyday. I can hold God’s blessings hostage for myself and greedily grab for human approval, or I can share the God I am experiencing with people indiscriminately. I am a woman on a journey of learning how to make sure my reactions don't deny Christ's presence in me.
Psalm 119:18 Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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