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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
To trust means to rely on and be confident in. When I trust in myself I leave room in my life for rejection, which leads me to feel insecure and results in pride. I have had an interesting spiritual journey over the past few months. The more I have allowed God to thaw-out my heart and revitalize my faith the more I have been humbled before Him. I am learning that when my security comes from God it breeds humility in me. I no longer feel the need to work my accomplishments into conversations because I don’t need them as a security blanket. I don’t worry as much about my position in the eyes of others, or feel that there are things I should never be asked to do. I can see how my prayers and conversations in the past have mainly been about me and I can change this behavior.
Revelation 3:17 You say, I am rich, I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing, “But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
Ok, so maybe I don't say it out right, but I think it! As I recently studied out the above passage, it struck me how crippling my pride had become because I was so blind to it. The disciples in Laodicea, for whatever reason, had become proud and self-sufficient. They had not left the church. In their own eyes they still had faith. But they were no longer humble before Jesus, and he was about to leave them (v16). If it could happen to them under the apostolic leadership, I could be sure that it could happen to me! As I looked back on many instances over the past year I realized how much security I had truly gotten from ‘my accomplishments’. I didn’t blatantly believe myself rich nor would I ever say that I didn’t need anything but my actions screamed it. I had forgotten that I was and still am wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. It took me losing my job and being placed in very humbling circumstances to recognize these things again. It is when I recognize my true state before God that I am in a place to receive and be comforted by His love. He stands there pounding on the door of my heart just waiting to comfort me. He wants to rip that security blanket I made for myself right off my head.
Rev3:19-22Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.
“We live in nice places, wear nice cloths and drive nice cars. We put healthy checks in the church offering. We volunteer to help the right projects. We give to others. We don’t need a thing. And we are not listening to a thing. We have been around for ten or fifteen years, and we think we have heard all there is to hear. We no longer go to church with a heart that says, “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening and wanting to change.” We still believe all the right doctrines. We can teach them to others, but we do not have a living faith that springs from a heart that says, “Lord, just do anything you want to do with me. Show me my heart. Keep me here. Take me there. Just use me in whatever way pleases you.”1
As I read the above passage it ran shivers down my spine because it applied to me and so many of my single Christian friends, it scared me. I thought, “when was the last time I prayed before going into a meeting or entering a conversation? When was the last time I prayed to see what specifically I was to learn and change from the Sunday sermon I was to hear?” I originally came to God with child like humility and a sense of wonder but over time success, painful circumstances and disappointment caused me to become prideful and self-reliant again.
Micah 6:8 He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
As I prepare to turn 30 I realized that I had and still want to rely on ‘my accomplishments.’ I stopped praying, “God be merciful to me, a sinner.” And instead I pray for self-improvement only coated in spiritual language. I realized that I pray more fervently when I feel like I have no control of a given situation or when I feel like I am losing control. I pray for the next great thing instead of thanking God for the present blessings and acknowledging His power and sovereignty in everything.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
It took a deeper understanding of God’s love to give me the strength to exchange my security in my accomplishments for a greater security and identity in Him. Anything I have done I have done with the mind and strength God has given me. He wants to give me abundantly more but in order to be able to accept it I need to have the right perspective so that I can cherish it. So yeah, I will turn 30, single, unemployed, and I can reflect on what I have accomplished in my life thus far. But I can never forget that all that I have been able to do and see have been because of Him and who He is in my life.
Andrew Murray wrote, “We can never have more faith than we have humility.”
As I have become more rooted in God’s love for me I have been able to humble myself before Him in a greater way. As a result my faith has increased a great deal and I am able to see how my pride limited me from doing and being so much more. In a few weeks, as I turn 30, I will most likely still be unemployed and single, but my dreams and my ability to do for God will be immensely greater. Someone once said that women thrive in their 30’s because they are more secure in who they are. I know I will thrive in my 30’s because I am more secure in who I am in God.
Ephesians 3:18 [I pray that you being rooted and established in love] may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
1 Fontenot Michael and Jones Thomas, The Prideful Soul’s Guide to Humility, (Massachusetts: DPI, 1998) 46
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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