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I had to return to a lesson learned a while back this past week. The lesson was on sacrifice. I returned to this lesson because I found myself in a place where I was beginning to forget what true sacrifice was. As far back as I can remember I have fought for something. I remember fighting for approval and acceptance and trying to earn it from those I cared about, even as a child. When I was in High School I was already living on my own and had to work on weekends to save money for collage, in collage I supported myself and again had to work a lot. Long hours of study and work as well as pressure to succeed and simply survive resulted in a restricted social life. I felt like I was making the necessary sacrifices. As I finished school and began working, the pursuit of my career has resulted in a lot of moves and travel making it hard to settle down or get involved in a relationship. Traveling to Africa was one of the most challenging and revealing experiences by far. Leaving behind the comforts of the western world to work in a foreign place with a foreign culture was hard in many ways but it made me vulnerable and humble enough to learn lessons that I truly believe might have never been learned otherwise. In those times I could think, “Your sacrifices will pay off. You will make a difference.” Yet, even in those moments I still did not understand what true sacrifice was. Sudan taught me a lot about the true meaning of sacrifice but even since my return I am continually learning this lesson. Returning to the US and re-joining the “rat race” has also forced me to remember this. As I continue to work for approval, for acceptance, for a status and for what I believe to be right, I can sometimes mistake momentary inconvenience motivated by selfish gain for true sacrifice motivated by love.

Hard work, study, any delay in experiencing immediate pleasure are all sacrifices that allow us to reap future rewards. This is how sacrifice is typically understood if we are honest enough with ourselves to admit it. So what I usually refer to as a sacrifice is really an investment in myself- whether working over time or “sacrificing” my starbucks in order to save some money. But true sacrifice does not pay off materially. God can choose to let me prosper but I don’t earn prosperity with sacrifice. My heart was truly exposed recently when my 'sacrifices' did not reap the desired benefits. Serving a friend didn’t reap the desired gratitude and working longer and harder at work towards a task that I was attempting for the first time resulted in someone else receiving credit for it. I felt the bitterness stir up inside me and it took everything in me to not hold on to it or give into it. I am not the martyr here, Jesus is.

Matt27:11-14 (NIV) 11Meanwhile Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you the king of the Jews?" "Yes, it is as you say," Jesus replied. 12When he was accused by the chief priests and the elders, he gave no answer. 13Then Pilate asked him, "Don't you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?" 14But Jesus made no reply, not even to a single charge - to the great amazement of the governor.

v26 Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.

It’s easy to hear about Jesus’ sacrifice and take for granted his response as a ‘natural God response.’ This was his role to play. He took the physical and emotional abuse because it was who he was. But that’s not really true because we see throughout the bible that that is not who he was. Even though he went like a lamb to the slaughter his character was not one of passiveness. Just look at:

Matt23:15 (NIV) Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.

Jhn8:44(NIV) You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Mtt16:23(NIV) Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Matt21:12(NIV) Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.

Jesus didn’t tolerate being falsely accused, beaten, and crucified. When he allowed himself to be put to death as a sacrifice for our sins, he sacrificed his personality as well as his body. True sacrifice leaves me vulnerable but this vulnerability should not be mistaken for weakness. I believe that to genuinely sacrifice takes great strength and endurance.

I know it is hard for me to go against my character to do things differently, to choose humility instead of pride, or submission instead of rebellion. It is hard for me to “do” without expecting in return or wanting to see some type of results. But Jesus laid down his personality right there with his body when he laid down his life. He didn’t even argue. How did he prosper as a result? He already had a relationship with God and he was already worshiped.

When Jesus died so that I might be saved, if I even decided to follow him, he got nothing in return. Nothing. No personal growth. No improved relationships. No profits. No promotion. Many times no recognition for the miracles preformed. Nothing.

I am learning to give and not expect in return, in fact giving in instances when I know full well there will be no return. Giving in this way is difficult, it’s down right painful! When you know that the receiver just doesn’t recognize your love or your acts of service and they may never fully understand the extent of your love, it is then that you learn true sacrifice, putting them before you, giving despite the lack of reciprocation. Whether you are giving to an individual or a village of people it does not matter- true sacrifice is an act of love. When I have felt the pain of true sacrifice I was able to draw closer to Jesus and appreciate his sacrifice for me in a more genuine way. I needed to feel this pain again in order to remember. Only when I remain focused and accept who it is that I am really serving am I able to sacrifice with a clear conscious and light heart.

"Refreshment in Refuge" from Gina Burgess

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