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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
It has been months since I have returned to the United States and began to re-integrate into my community, my support network and life in all its many nuances. It has been nice and scary all at the same time to try to “settle down” for a period of time. In this process however, those closest to me have begun to move around! Some of my dearest friends, old and new, whom I have really become attached to, have received jobs, gotten into schools, or received marriage proposals all of which have resulted in them moving out of state. It is at this time that I found myself running the race alone but I will get back to the race shortly...
In a span of two days I attended both a going away party and a wedding shower for two friends who have already, for all intensive purposes, left the area. I felt like God was not being fair. It was ok when I was leaving on my adventures. Yet, it felt just plain wrong to be the one being left! Now I know that we will keep in touch but the friendship dynamic will inevitably change and as I look around I see that most of my friendships are slowly becoming remote. However, God has presented opportunities for new friendships to be forged. But as you can already predict I am a bit resistant and almost expectant of their failures. Wont they just leave too? Running helped me to gain some perspective on this situation.
This past weekend, something dawned on me while I was running a 5K (equivalent of 3 miles). When a large group of runners gathered at the start line, almost immediately a small fraction of them disappeared ahead of the rest. The remainder dispersed, but all-in-all there was a loose crowed running together. At the start I felt a twinge of anxiety as I saw the crowd before me take off, but I refused to let them set my pace. I had to run my own race. I had to pace myself and I knew that if I attempted to keep up now I would only burn myself out. So I swallowed my pride and began at my own stride and must admit felt great pride when I began to pass some of those who had burned out and slowed down.
About a quarter of a mile into the race I realized that I was running alone! I made great time; I beat my personal best and came in a significant amount of time before a few people who I definitely did not think I would beat to the finish line. Yet, as I ran a chunk of this short race alone, while music from my headphones pounded in my ears, I had this two mile long epiphany – there are times I will run the race alone. Sometimes those whose company I want to retain will either be too far ahead or far behind. When this happens I cannot slow down just for the company as it will affect my race, and if I do I will never excel or truly know how far I can go. I cannot try to race ahead because if I do, I may burn out too quickly and fall behind – thus limiting myself. I know that God is gracious and he is always there even when I don’t see or feel him and even in those moments I must trust that He is present but honestly lets face it in the moment when God is not tangible and I feel lonely or alone that is really hard to believe.
Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (also see 1 Corinthians 9:24-27)
I have a race marked out specifically for me. My fear to give and expand my heart only hinders me. On this trail I will run behind, along side, and in front of many. Where they are in the race does not matter because beating them is not the point, nor is the point letting them win. The point is all of us making it across the finish line and to do so we have to run our own perspective races.
As for my fear of letting new people in, well, my 2 mile epiphany also had some room to address this. As I ran, at different points in time, if only for a short time, I ran along side different people, not all of whom I knew. There will be others who God will allow to run beside us for a time but we have to let him decide who those people are and how long He wants us to run this race together. I can be resistant to these new friendships but I have to resist the urge to shove them to the ground while I try and sprint ahead and instead recognize that God has me and them right where he wants us. When I can’t run any more He helps me through the hard patches of the course or places people in my life to help me threw and some times let’s face it He just gently nudges and wants us to work our own mess out even if it takes till dawn.
Psalm46:5 (NIV) God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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