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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Being alone in a foreign country for a period of time can make one quite raw. Time and new experiences can reveal many things, things forgotten or otherwise avoidable. I have recently become aware of pains that are lodged deep in my heart that I only seem to become aware of when new pains hit in the same place. When I was younger, a friend's parent, in the heat of anger and argument, once told me, “No one will ever love you once they really know you.” When I was about 15 I confessed my love to a boy who turned around and said, “Well, I don’t love you!” Throughout my adolescence people left who I deeply cared for and relied on(which when you're young feels like abandonment). By the time I turned 16 I was done relying on others. I moved out of my family's home, lived on my own and got myself through school. When I became a Christian it was hard enough learning to rely on God, not to mention people again. Recently, I began to see that the pains that were lodged in my heart so long ago are still there. I thought they were gone and dealt with, but I have become very aware of their presence and the destructive effect they can still have in my life. I was reading and praying, but in my heart and emotionally I could not see clearly and could not for the life of me figure out why or how to clear my vision. The pain I felt was blinding.
William Blake once wrote, “Life’s dim window of the soul distorts the heavens from pole to pole, and leads you to believe a lie, when you see with not through, the eye.”
Someone told me to beware of the sand goggles in Sudan. The term was used to describe the things we will let distract us, attract us and generally stifle us while here--things that would never get to us or affect us at our prospective homes. Usually goggles are supposed to protect your eyes from things obstructing your vision, but sand goggles are filled with sand. Sand goggles blur the inter eyes, forget being able to see heaven, you can’t even see the way an arm’s length away. I don’t think sand goggles are only specific to Sudan. I think we can all put them on sometimes and forget that we have them on. I chose to put them on when the pains in my heart resurrected and I did not know how to deal with them. I didn’t want to hand my pains over to God; I wanted to deal with them myself or in some strange way, not deal with them and hold on to them almost for protection. I needed to take the sand goggles off, but every time I tried to take them off the elastic was still around my head, so I would pull them away from my face only to let them go and have them smack me (hard) in the face again. I’m in the midst of fighting to get my heart back and I don’t know how to do it. I’m in the midst of fighting to let go of the past in order to be able to really step out on faith and let God guide me in a new direction.
A friend recently said to me, “Just let it go!” I laughed but what I really wanted to say was, “I cant!... it hurts my ego too much. I want to have the last word; I want to be the one to say when things are over. I don’t want to let it go because if I do I won’t know what will be on the other side. ” Because if I hold on to it, it gives me the illusion of control and at least I know what this feels like.
In The Sacred Romance, the authors illuminated this for me, “So much of the journey forward involves a letting go of all that once brought us life. We turn away from the familiar abiding places of the heart, the false selves we have lived out, the strength we have used to make a place for ourselves and all our false loves, and we venture in our hearts to trace the steps of the One who said, “Follow me.”[1]
Ezek2:1-2,6b (NIV) “Son of man, stand up on your feet and I will speak to you.” As he spoke, the Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard him speak to me.
6b Do not be afraid, though briers and thorns are all around you and you live among scorpions. Do not be afraid of what they say or terrified by them, though they are a rebellious house. You must speak my words to them, whether they listen of fail to listen, for they are rebellious. But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”
It has always been hard for me to trust in God with the things that are to hard or complex to understand. But honestly, I see that most of the time, it is me that makes things complex. It is easier to rebel than it is to trust. Yet, God still loves me even when I am hard to love and rebellious, he has never let me go. He is just waiting for me to let go of the past so that I can truly see how to, “Follow Him.” He is calling me to a higher level of faith so that I can see His love for me better.
I have been a Christian for many years and yet I see that I still have trouble accepting Gods’ love for me. I don’t believe in it. I know this because I see this lack of trust in my human relationships. My lack of trust in people is a direct reflection of my lack of trust in God and his love for me. It’s easier to put on the sand goggles and to use my old pains as a shield than to face the unknown and be vulnerable to what Gods plan could be, an unknown plan.
Josh1:7 (NIV) Be strong and very courageous. 9Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
God says that it will require much courage, he commands me to be very courageous. He knows how terrified I am and how discouraged I can feel. The biggest act of faith for me is not accepting the answers it’s accepting where there are none yet. It is accepting that things happen for a reason even if that reason is unknown to me. It’s letting go even when I do not want to or know how to.
Once God brings me to a place where I can no longer hide behind my old defense mechanisms and my heart is so raw and vulnerable that I have no energy to redeem myself, then He can work. Then He can stretch the borders of my heart when I am ready and sometimesHe even uses pain to pave the way.
Exod23:29-30 (The Message) And I’ll send despair on ahead of you. It will push the Hivites, the Cannanites, and the Hittites out of your way. I won’t get rid of them all at once lest the land grow up in weeds and the wild animals take over. Little by little I’ll get them out of their while you have a chance to get your corps going and make the land your own. I will make your borders stretch from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean Sea and from the Wilderness to the Euphrates River. I’m turning everyone living in that land over to you; go ahead and drive them out. Don’t make any deals with them or their gods…
[1] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. (p149)
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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