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Quiet Time

    by Kasia Kedzia

Self-defense
Date Posted: May 19, 2009

I recently returned from a vacation. It was really nice to get some leisure time with family and friends. This trip was also a great time of reflection as it exposed some deep rooted insecurities that reared their ugly heads before I left.

As the trip approached, I neared a spiritual melt down. I began to see how self-focused and super defensive I was becoming. I put up barriers in advance just in case someone might judge me. I expected some form of judgment at work and awaited negative feedback. I would have said I was just being “professional,” but in fact I was being distant and even a bit cold in my interactions with coworkers as a result of my self-protection. Due to the build up of work related stress I began to doubt in God’s protection and instead defaulted to trying to protect myself.

Isaiah19:20b (The Message) When they cry out in prayer to GOD because of oppressors, he'll send them help, a savior who will keep them safe and take care of them.

When I prayed I began to see what I was doing but I still continued to default to my self-protective and even self-destructive behavior. It was not until I was away that I was able to truly process my thoughts and actions. I believe that part of the reason for this was that I truly began to deal with what was going on in my heart and mind when I was away. Prior to the trip, I merely retreated into fantasy through movies, books and my favorite TV. shows. As a result I began to seek rescue from people instead of God. When I left for my vacation, I deliberately left my laptop and mp3 player behind. When I prayed for focus God wasted no time as the little TV. on the back of the seat in front of me was broken during my entire eight hour flight and there was no option to switch seats. Sheesh, it gave whole new meaning to the phrase, "becareful what you ask for."

As I spent time with family and friends who know me best my perspective on this aspect of my insecurity, my desire to feel protected, became very clear. My sinful and potentially hurtful behavior also became clear.

I realized I can long for my heart to be protected and nurtured that when I am disappointed or just afraid, I instinctively look for a way to gain control. Self-reliance, defensiveness and escape are my answer to the unpredictable. My logic in those moments defers to the controllable, and the only person I can control is me. Therefore, if I rely on me, I’ll have control. And if I have control, I won’t be nearly as likely to get hurt. However, I can also defer to situations in which I ignorantly think I have control but in reality do not. I can defer to interactions with people who I know will not help me and think that since I know in my heart that they are not good for me I can easily cut them off when I am ready, after all I am in control of the situation. It took time to see how self-destructive as well as potentially hurtful and confusing this could be to the other people I involve. There are those that I need to give more of my heart to and trust that God will protect me and there are those that I need to let go of completely and realize that holding on or revisiting those ties is only self-destructive. At the end of the day I have no control over either really.

Isaiah 62:2-4 (NIV) 2 The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow. 3You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. 4 No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah, and your land Beulah; for the LORD will take delight in you, and your land will be married.

Hephzibah means my delight is in her. When I read those words something in my heart broke and the realization of God’s infinite protection seeped in. I realized that just because I am going through trying times at work does not mean that God is not with me and taking care of me along the way. I am merely facing a time of discipline.

Hebrews 12:11 (NIV) No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

As I spent time in God’s word and surrounded by those who love me, flaws and all, I began to regain my confidence in God’s protection. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a happy ending. Being back from vacation is showing me that this too is just the beginning of a bigger fight but one that I am fully armed for and protected every step of the way.

Zechariah 9:16 (NIV) The LORD their God will save them on that day as the flock of his people. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown.

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Biography Information:
Gods brought me a long way from the New York City Housing Projects. I studied the Bible, repented, and was baptized for the forgiveness of my sins when I was 17 and have been repenting and striving towards heaven ever since. The hardest thing about becoming a Christian at 17 was trusting that God would take care of me, meet my emotional teen needs, and help me overcome my enormous insecurity...what else would a teen girl have trouble with?

Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved  to DC  to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.

Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.

Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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