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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
There are moments, split second hesitation moments, when I feel like God has left me or forgotten me. In my mind I know this is not true, but in my heart I can doubt and question. It's not a matter of not being in control as it is a feeling of helplessness. At this point the decision to choose to find comfort in God and not people can be an all-out battle. No matter what is happening around me I have to ask myself, "Can I hold on to the promises of heaven and God's love?" Is it (whatever it may be) well with my soul?
I came to Sudan with the hope of being able to use my gifts and talents to serve. I want to teach and learn from my students, as well as devote some of my time to a humanitarian organization. As I have met some of the people in this field I have been disillusioned by their lack of passion for the work. I was utterly perplexed how some of these people (please know this is a few- at least I deeply hope it is) simply see being here as a stepping stone, or just something to do, while they wait for something better to come along. It's like they don't seem to recognize that they are talking about human lives. This experience has really tested my patience and faith. It takes so much more of me to do what is right and to fight to be righteous when I loose heart.
1John2:4-6 (the message) If someone claims, "I know him well!" but doesn't keep his commandments, he's obviously a liar. His life doesn't match his words. But the one who keeps God's word is the person in whom we see God's mature love. This is the only way to be sure we're in God. Anyone who claims to be intimate with God ought to live the same kind of life Jesus lived.
I want my walk with God to be evident to others without words. I am good with words. I desire to be an example to those around me and not fall into cynicism. I can talk a good game and get people motivated with my words. Yet, I desire for my life and convictions to scream so much louder than any words exactly whom I belong to and who God is. I have come across some very cynical and indifferent people lately and I know that my words alone are just not enough. I have also come along people who are open to God and it has been hard not to seek comfort in them or offer myself to them instead of God. Which means I have to pay so much more attention to my heart and actions.
1Peter3:1-2 (the message) "…indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty."
As I have encountered pessimism and apathy from some around me towards the development field, poverty, war, God, I have found myself really disheartened. I can grasp in my heart and mind for words in an effort to "win them over" or I can live by example. This week I failed this battle. I lost sight of God's power and gave in to hopelessness. I know the consequences are great--a person looking at my walk with God has seen me falter and I can feel that this may affect how they see God. A moment of selfishness has truly ugly results. I have been fighting not to let this realization take over and am fighting my way back, and clinging to, the all comforting God, who's working behind the scenes. (also see Psalm141:3 The Message)
John14:1 (the message) Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me.
I'm fighting to understand how to give my heart and guard it without becoming disconnected, like some, or losing myself.
Proverbs href="https://pro.studylight.org/study-desk.html?q=pr+3:5">Proverbs 3:5 - (the Message) " Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own."
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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