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Feeling shame or inadequacy can be hard. Often in those moments I try to cover my own shame. I run to things that I think can make me feel better. I look to certain people for approval; I try to conjure up tangible proof that despite my inadequacies and imperfections I am still lovable. When I do this I miss the point and a very big point at that.

Ps34:4-5 (NIV) I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

This past week a good friend brought some things to my attention that made me feel ashamed. I had hurt someone and they did not feel comfortable enough to speak to me directly, but instead went to my friend. In such a moment there is a great temptation to be angry and defensive, to focus on the fact that the person did not say something and instead acted as though everything is ok. Yes, on the one hand they were in the wrong and their behavior was out right deceitful as they were acting falsely while they felt very differently. However, this was not my lesson to learn. My lesson was of how I could alter my behavior so that it would not result in someone else feeling hurt, overwhelmed or intimidated. My lesson was how I could learn to love that person and give to them they way Jesus would, according to their needs not according to my comfort. After this situation occurred I was very tempted to run in the other direction, run to people who feel loved by me and avoid those that don’t. I found myself trying to cover up my own shame by using my means and it reminded me of the lesson from the Garden of Eden.

Genesis 3:7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Now we can all imagine how inadequate fig leaves must have been as a covering. David Platt put it best when he wrote, “We all have blind spots- areas of our lives that need to be uncovered so we can see correctly and adjust our lives accordingly.” Since the fall of man our eyes are opened on a regular basis to see the things in ourselves that can cause us to feel shame. These are the things we need to change. In my moment of shame I wanted to cover up, using my own means and much like the first man, I reached for something that was not enough. I reached for people, as a woman, I particularly looked to the men in my life to validate me. It was not till the end of the week that I realized what I had been doing and why I was still feeling so guilty. Only God can adequately cover my shame, and oh how he does.

Gen3:21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.

Those moments in the Garden, God spilled innocent animal blood to provide sufficient covering for man in their moment of shame. Later he provided the ultimate sacrifice, Jesus. In moments of shame I fear rejection. Jesus covers my fear and shame; he was the ultimate sacrifice. It took me too long to turn to him, but I realized that while I turned to others I just became more insecure and emotional. The craving was not satisfied with numerous conversations with friends, compliments or attention from men. Nothing others did was enough. I had to be willing to face myself and the things I need to change. I had to be willing to face those I hurt and attempt to change my behavior. They may reject me, but my hope is that they will forgive me and allow me the chance to be different. However, no matter what their response I know that God covers me; he’s got me. Kindness can sometimes stifle repentance. The relationships that are most like sandpaper, the ones we want to run from the fastest, tend to be the ones we stand to learn the most from. Service, sacrifice, love, when genuine and biblical may not be comfortable, but they are right, better, and help me experience and know God more. Sometimes, I forget that he is the creator and that I was created by and for him (Col1:16). He did not create me for myself and all other things for me. He is completely, unabashedly powerful and loving. Despite this I can feel as though he is withholding something and then want to protect myself, just like man did in the garden. However, when I seek to know how precious his thoughts are (Ps139:17) I can see that he is not withholding anything, even in the hard moments there is a purpose and a treasure instored.

His love is perfect even if it makes me uncomfortable. I have a daily choice as to what situations I am willing to expose myself to and who I will turn to in the resulting hard moments that are guaranteed come when I chose to give more (James1:2,12). Life begins at the end of my comfort zone. So I turn to him to cover my shame and accept his grace allowing it to change me and those whose lives I touch.

Ps34:8-9 (NIV) Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you saints, for those who fear him lack nothing.

"'Winging It" from Stan Smith

Washed by the Water of the Word