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I was reading a devotional recently and it ended with the following quote, “The Person that will hurt you most in life is you.” This has been a self -fulfilling prophesy in my life recently.

I often underestimate the battle between good and evil. I tried to explain to a non-believing friend how this battle looks. I told him that if he began seeking God many things would begin to happen that had nothing to do with him directly, but were more related to the battle for his soul. It didn’t take long before he was attacked. However, I underestimated the attack on me personally. When Satan could no long use fear and temptation against me, he used hopelessness and persecution against my friend--I saw this attack on him so clearly, but not on myself, even though the same tools were being used against me! The very things and people that God had placed in his and my life to reveal Himself, including each other, were being twisted by Satan until the fight became too hard. Then it was just easier for him to stop asking questions, to stop seeking faith and it became easier for me to shut my eyes, harden my heart and let the emotions engulf me.

Yet, God doesn’t give up on us so easily. God will sometimes go to extremes to get our attention and when the creator of the universe wants your attention, there is nothing you can do to hide from it. For my friend it was a close call and a trip to the hospital; for me it was temporary loss of sanity. I think he got the better end of the deal! In the end though I am not sure what my friend will chose faith wise, but I know that I need to make choices for myself and leave him in God's hands. I know God will continue to seek him. If I lose my personal battle, I can help no one. I was so proud and so occupied with trying to be in control of my life here I could not see through my pharisee-like attitude. I thought I was ok and could easily point out what was wrong with my circumstances and people around me. I could not see that the pain and struggle I was feeling was for the most part self-inflicted.

1Cor10:12-13 (Mssg) Don’t be so naïve and self-confident. You’re not exempt. You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; its useless. Cultivate God-confidence. No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down’ he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

I think God can provide us with windows of opportunity where he humbles us enough so that we can truly catch a glimpse of Him, but our pride can quickly rush back in, the accuser returns with a vengeance and blinds us again. In those brief moments of humility we have the opportunity to grasp for the truth and hold on for dear life or shake it off chalk it up to coincidence, missing the miracle of the creator of the Universe personally reaching out for us.

1Peter5:8 -9 (Mssg) Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith.

For me, it began slowly, agitation at little every day things, complaining and whining. Then it grew to anger and emotionalism; my idleness was Satan's playground. It took merely a few days for me to become cynical, to not read or pray consistently going to people for comfort instead. It took a little over a week to completely revert to my sinful nature of fighting for control of my life instead of surrendering my life to Jesus and it has taken almost two months of agonizing fight to try and recover and regain what was so quickly lost. The older I get as a Christian the more clearly I began to see the spiritual battle.

In a short amount of time, control took the form of indulgence. I put my hope in immediate gratification (whatever the desire of my addiction at the time) and substituted it for eternal and intimate communion with God. Once I drank from these less than eternal wells, with the goal of finding the life , it overpowered my will.[1] My addiction of choice: control.

James1:13-15 (NIV) When tempted no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

In The Sacred Romance, the authors use the example of two roads to choose from in our walk with God. One being the road of faith and unknown and the other being whatever we chose our road to be;

“As we stand at this intersection of God’s calling, we look down two highways that appear to travel in very different directions. The first highway quickly takes a turn and disappears from view. We cannot see clearly where it leads but there are ominous clouds in the near distance. It is hard to say if they hold rain, snow, or hail, or are still in the process of fermenting whatever soul weather they intend to unleash upon us. Standing still long enough to look down this road makes us aware of an anxiety inside, an anxiety that threatens to crystallize into unhealed pain and forgotten disappointment.” [2]

“Just when we seriously consider stepping on the road we have so long feared and avoided our old lovers reach out for us with a vengeance. They promise us they will fill our heart to overflowing again if we will just give them one more chance. They even promise to become more religious if that will help. Drawn by the familiar sound of their voices, and still somewhat anxious about the unknown journey ahead of us, we reach into our briefcase one last time to see if there is any solution to such double-mindedness.”[3]

There have been moments in the past few weeks’ fight where I have felt like giving up and returning home to the U.S., but I know I would be returning out of shame and disappointment, feeling defeated. I would still be choosing the wrong road. I would let Satan win if I did that and I would not let God use me for His glory. Don’t get me wrong, the pride still sets in along with the guilt, the feelings of disappointment and shame don’t melt away and the memories of my sinful actions still haunt me. I still have moments laying awake at night and trying to work things out in my head according to my plan, or make excuses, but through much prayer and scripture, as well as Eldredge’s and Curtis’s insight into The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God, I have been able to regain some perspective and I see that regaining perspective is a recovery of heart. As I have returned to my daily walk with God, I can not look back but must make the most of every day before me. I have an opportunity to still be a friend and an example and I still have many opportunities to do much needed good through my service and volunteership, but this time according to God;s will and not my own.

Daniel 4:34-37 (NIV) 34At the end of that time, I, (Insert my name here), raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified him who lives forever. His dominion is an eternal dominion; his kingdom endures from generation to generation. 35 All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him: "What have you done?" 36 At the same time that my sanity was restored, my honor and splendor were returned to me for the glory of my kingdom. My advisers and nobles sought me out, and I was restored to my throne and became even greater than before. 37 Now I, (Insert my name here), praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just. And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.

[1] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. (p133)

[2] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. (p128)

[3] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. (p140)

"Inspiration For You" from Randy Mitchell

Our Children Are Our Future