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Funny thing with repentance, it’s never easy. The second you make a decision and you decide to really stick to it the attacks come- rumors, doubts. You can think over every action, every word said and unsaid and run circumstances over in your mind til they look just like you want them to or until they make you feel what you want. Sometimes circumstances just are what they are and no matter how hard I think through them or alter them in my mind, I can not change them. Fighting these thoughts takes decision and commitment to have faith. It takes strength beyond my own. It takes denying self and giving over the control I seek to God- entrusting the people and circumstances involved to Him.

2Cor2:9-11The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there is anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

As I read 2Cor2 I realized how unaware I truly have been. As I continue to read, The Sacred Romance, by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge I am astounded how easily I fall for Satins lies.

“This is the enemy’s first deception: “I am not here. It’s just you struggling with all these things.”” [1] As I read those words I realized that is exactly what I have been thinking. Since my arrival in Sudan I have had two dear friends lose their fathers back home. I have been unable to be there to comfort them and I have felt useless both to them and, even in some ways, here. I had a set plan in my mind as to what I wanted to do and how I wanted to serve here and when things did not go according to that plan I began to feel quite helpless. I have felt less than adequate and have struggled with this in many ways and was convinced into believing that in fact I was just struggling with all these things myself. As a result I also hurt those around me who tried to be there for me in the Sudan. Repentance doesn’t make the consequences of sin go away and you can still lose people you care about despite it.

“Most of us, perhaps, live in not a terribly evil place in the moralistic sense of the word. We simply live where busyness, or apathy, or struggle with circumstances that won’t change occupies most of our energy. And the enemy is perfectly happy to leave us in such a place practicing our religion.”[2]

When I read this, all of a sudden it felt like someone had removed their very large pressing thumb off of my heart. I struggle with circumstances that won’t change and let them occupy most of my energy! I want to will things into being how I want them and can spend ridiculous amounts of time simply refusing to accept what is and Satan is perfectly happy with letting me struggle with this. In light of this struggle, the definition of insanity comes to mind: to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Satan is very content with letting me battle with the unchangeable because eventually it will drive me crazy and drive a wedge between me and God. I have been unable to truly practice my religion and have instead tried to be my own God and be a God to others. I am learning to accept my circumstances and accept things for what they are. This requires an immense amount of strength which I do not possess, but God does.

Rev3:19 (NIV)Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.

Rev2:10 (Message) Don’t Quit, even if it costs you your life. Stay there believing. I have a Life-Crown sized and ready for you.

1Cor15:10-14 (NIV) But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect.

Eph2:8-9 (NIV) For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.

This past Sunday the minister asked a great question: When’s the last time someone died for you? In Arabic it’s “Fizol mat alashana?” I thought of all the ways I had tried to make people die for me, in a certain sense, and all along there has been one in my life who was not only willing to die for me, but did.

Rom5:7-8 (NIV) Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man some might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Titus2:11-12God’s grace teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self controlled upright and godly lives in this present age.

I know I read this passage of scripture before, but it really hit me how God’s grace that gives us the power to say “No,"to overcome, to be self-controlled and accept the present circumstances. Not only accept them for what they are. but accept them as God-given and for a purpose. It’s not judgment, or fear, or threats, or the thought of what others will think--although all of these things can be quite powerful motivators in our lives. Yet the only thing powerful enough to truly bring about repentance and contentment is God’s grace.

I watched King Arthur recently and there was a scene in the movie where Arthur is ready to fight a vast army on his own. The only reply the war lord has is that he considers Arthur a man worthy of killing. Can you imagine now if in the war lor had turned around and killed his son in front of Arthur and gave over the kingdom instead? It would make no sense and people would probably hate the movie. What makes all good heroic movies is the little guy winning against all odds, but here is God, the creator of the Universe, the ultimate White Night, all powerful and He did just that, He sacrificed and risked everything for me. Now I have the nerve to sit here after all of this and get angry about my circumstances or the circumstances of the people in my life. I question His love for me when I lose sight of His grace and His ultimate sacrifice. It is the only thing that helps me to repent, see the enemy, and fight another day.

2Cor5:14-15(NIV) For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died, And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

[1] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. p116

[2] Eldredge, John, Curtis, Brent, The Sacred Romance. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Atlanta. 1997. p118

"'Christ in You...'" from Dale Krebbs

Origin Of Nations