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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
As far back as I can remember God has called me to trust him more. Over the years I have fought to trust more, but in many instances relied on zeal without knowledge rather than godly wisdom.
According to Wikipedia, Wisdom is the ability to choose or act to consistently produce the optimum results. It is the ability to optimally (effectively and efficiently) apply perceptions and knowledge and so produce the desired results. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action.
About a year ago something in me broke. I allowed myself to truly humble out enough before God to admit that I knew nothing. Not some things, not a little but absolutely nothing. A wall came down and new understanding came. A series of events lead me to a decision to recommit to seek him and truly trust him with things that I had held back before. I was tired of going through the ‘Christian motions’ and not seeing lasting change. My life was not aligning with what God’s scriptures described. I needed to be a blank slate to learn whatever he was trying to teach me.
Jeremiah 33:3 (NLB) Call to Me, and I will answer you. And I will show you great and wonderful things which you do not know.
6 See, I will make it well again, and I will heal them. I will let them have much peace and truth.
God promised to make things well again despite people’s wickedness and disobedience. I could relate with this! I became a Christian over thirteen years ago but I wasn’t consistently living with the freedom of one. Don’t get me wrong, I followed all the rules to the best of my ability. I loved and obeyed as best I could. I practiced the religiosity but there was a disconnect in my heart and mind that resulted in a lack of consistent fruit of the spirit. There was an immaturity in my understanding and practice. I have been free to enter into God’s presence for years but would only go so far.
Hebrews 10:19-20 So, brothers and sisters, we are completely free to enter the Most Holy Place without fear because of the blood of Jesus’ death. We can enter through a new and living way that Jesus opened for us. It leads through the curtain- Christ’s body.
Even though the curtain had been torn, in my heart, I put a barrier back up. I didn’t quite comprehend the significance of what it meant to enter into his presence, the reverence it required, the understanding of his character. I did not eagerly seek to understand. I got lazy and settled for surface knowledge. This prevented me from using the gifts I have received from him to their fullest possibility. I didn’t completely accept the sacrifice to respond to it appropriately. In the past I responded based on what was comfortable and what I was capable of on my own strength. I had received God’s spirit but I refused to rely on it. It was kind of like the Star Wars effect of not using “the force.” I prayed for wisdom but what I really sought was knowledge and control, and then I let go. I let go of me and found myself being held so incredibly tight by God that it took my breath away. I can talk a great game but I could not talk myself into trusting God; I had to do it.
James 3:13 (NIV) Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.
It is absolutely terrifying to really trust God through actions but it is also incredibly freeing. It takes courage because it requires complete and utter disarmament. It’s been somewhat of a purification process of my faith. I had to read the bible seeking to see Jesus’ deep understanding of human weakness, my weakness. I had to grasp what it really means to be able to enter into his presence. Like a cartoon, over the years, God would splat me and every time I popped back up a bit altered but this time a little bit was not enough. I was called higher. I stood at a crossroads that would result in me choosing life as it was or something I could not fathom. I had to trust enough to jump, to desire to hate the world (understanding what it means to do so) and to really seek Godly wisdom (understanding what Godly wisdom really was.)
Genuine faith exercises wisdom. Jennifer Wilkins summed it up as, “worldly wisdom is about me feeling better, looking better and getting more stuff.” According to the book of James (3:13-18), worldly wisdom promotes self. However, godly wisdom elevates and honors God, brings peace and enables me to look beyond my self-interest or self-protection. Godly wisdom is pure; it comes from right motives, considerate and gentle; not harsh or quick to speak, open to reason; willing to admit when wrong, and full of good fruit; it must come from God and not me. Godly wisdom is genuine and authentic.
I’ve been seeking and receiving Godly wisdom and it is completely foreign to me. To continue to receive it requires a ridiculous amount of humility. I am learning to quickly identify when I lack this humility. Pride says, “I can handle this, I got this, I will figure it out.” Humility exercises resistance, surrender, and acknowledgment that I know nothing. It opens me up to answers that are beyond my narrow scope of understanding. The reason God opposes me when I am proud is because I oppose him in my pride. I have learned to grieve over my sin and not just through acknowledging that I am indeed a sinner. Many people admit they are sinners, imperfect and faltered, but to actually mourn our sin and seek God’s vision is a different way of life. Now I find I am more aware of my sin and it can make me incredibly uncomfortable when I go against the Spirit and refuse to change. I am more aware of choosing sin: choosing to feel better, look better or get more stuff. I don’t always act right but I see it so much more and it causes a very different response in me. Trusting more has enabled me to hope more and as a result to give more of myself without expecting something in return. I don’t know what new thing God will do next but I am eager to obey than to want my way.
I hear God whisper, “Come to the throne of grace with your pain, with your emptiness and receive my hope. Come with boldness and expectation. (Hebrews 4:16 NIV) Look now, for I am about to do a new thing; do you not perceive it? (Is 43:19 NRS)
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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