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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
I have a strong sense of justice. It is this sense that fuels my passion for development work and for people in general. However, desiring justice for others and for myself can be a tricky thing. Desire for justice can often blind you. In the past when I have been hurt and felt that there was some injustice done to me or someone I cared about I had trouble forgiving. I didn’t recognize my unforgiveness but it was there. In recent months I have been able to see how a deeper trust in God can enable me to truly forgive and even understand forgiveness on a deeper level. Over the past few months God has shown me how there were hurts that I had not truly dealt with on a heart level in years. I may have said that I forgave and acted like I was ok but deep down I held on to a peace of the hurt.
Dt7:7-8 The Lord did not set his affection on you and chose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you […]
I receive God’s forgiveness because he loves me and as a result I must choose to release and forgive those who hurt me. Those who hurt me can’t make it up to me any more than I can make up my debt to God. He loves me and He takes care of me. This is the first truth: God loves me. As a result of recent interactions with a new friend I was able to look back and see my part in hurting an old friend. I was able to see how I hurt others as a result of the hurt that I had experienced and not let go of.
Forgiveness requires a discipline of the tongue. How I speak of a situation and how often I speak of it can be a very good indicator of whether or not I have truly forgiven. How well I wait for healing reveals my faith and trust in God. When I follow my flesh I don’t have to wait for results. Attacking someone who hurt me or acting like I don’t care only gives the illusion of healing. It’s an immediate reaction of my flesh that does not make me feel any better in the long run. As I recalled how I spoke of past, painful situations I saw the lack of grace in my recollection to others. The bitterness in my heart was exposed very quickly. I am ashamed to say I even slandered the others involved. God’s way is sowing the seeds of forgiveness and patiently waiting for harvest. His way is trusting that He brings vengeance if necessary but more importantly that He heals.
Gal5:5 But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope.
Some of the things God leads me through may hurt for a while, but God ultimately will work them for my good. This is the second truth: God is good.
I may not “feel” it right away but I have to believe that God is healing my emotions. Waiting is where the battle is won. I have to make the correct decision first and trust that the feelings would come later. This will allow me to speak about the situation minimally but if it does come up I can speak about it in a righteous way and not from hurt feelings. I can bless the person who hurt me and seek to understand their pain. After all, hurting people hurt people. If I hold on to the first two truths, that God loves me and that He is good I will not fall for the lie. The lie is that God can’t take care of me and I am left to deal with it (whatever it is) on my own. The lie is that I need to somehow make justice come about myself or I need to protect myself from getting hurt again. Whatever form the lie takes it pushes me towards self-reliance.
Psm 91:1-2He who dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He’s my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.
The more I speak of the situation the more I re-live the pain. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time to share and vent, but then there comes a time to let go. The longer I chose to hold on the longer I suffer and re-live the pain. When I talk about the past and how I talk about it reveals if I have truly entrusted it to God. God will collect our debts and repay us for all our hurts. Sometimes I have taken out my hurts on others who actually had nothing to do with causing them. When I acknowledged that God loves me and that He is good I can approach people with a clean slate. I can trust the new people He brings into my life and allow Him to use them to help me. Our pasts do shape us but they do not have to muddy new experiences.
Psm 91:14-15 Because he loves me, “says the Lord,” I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him an honor him.
This Psalm is a psalm of trust. In verse 14 where the scripture refers to the one who “loves” God, it refers to a person who is holding close to God or hugging Him tightly in love. When I trust in God completely and love him first and foremost, when I get my security from him I am better equipped to forgive and deal with suffering in a right way.
Psalm 37:3 Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the Land and enjoy safe pasture.
These truths have freed me to do good. God has worked through my healing to allow me to be a better and more open friend and has even begun to restore friendships which I assumed were beyond restoration. Sometimes suffering is necessary, sometimes pain is the only thing that can bring us back to truly worship God. He carries our sorrows.
Psm41:9 Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.
God is good and He loves me. He is just. When I think injustice is prevailing or that He has allowed it, I know it is a lie. The truth is that God is good and He loves me. This perspective enables me to forgive even when those closest to me hurt me. I am choosing to put my trust in God over putting it in people. When I do so it enables me to give and receive more from people. It makes me lighter.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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