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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Over the past few weeks I have been more busy then usual. This busyness has felt good even when it bordered frustration. It felt good because I felt as though I was accomplishing things, helping people and being productive. Yet, all those warm, fuzzy, good feelings were torn to little peaces and stomped on by this weekend.
During my time of ‘the good busyness’ there had been challenges that come up; family crisis that needed to be addressed, friendships that needed extra tending to, household issues left not completely dealt with and of course work challenges. As these different things came up I addressed them to the best of my ability and kept right on trooping, feeling pretty good about having made every effort and thought that I had kept my focus on God while doing so.
However, sometimes no matter how hard I try I can feel like my best is just not good enough. So this past weekend, when the family issues reared their ugly head again, when work dished out a portion which I simply felt inadequate to handle while watching others coast on by, when a roommate completely dismissed and disacknowledged all my efforts, and when a friend felt disappointed in me, I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life. I had run out of love to give. I had been doing a lot but I had not been praying.
Job 39:11 (NIV) Will you rely on him for his great strength? Will you leave your heavy work to him?
One failure after the next I tried to keep a happy face but eventually they all welled up to the surface until they began to gush out of me in streams of tears. Once this started, no matter how hard I tried I could not stop it, the tears kept coming and the pain, frustration and feeling of utter helplessness coiled tightly around my heart and stomach. I failed to fix what was broken. All my efforts had not been good enough. In this moment, I realized no matter how much I wanted my parent, boss, roommate and friend to see and legitimize all my efforts they could not. I realized that all though I was doing all I could to please God I was measuring my efforts by the human response scale. I was unable to perform and produce results by my own strength hence why I felt like an utter failure. I had not failed in God’s eyes but because I was not looking to Him I was unable to see past myself. All the while, I hadn’t given it over to the only one who could do anything about it.
1 Chronicles 28:20 (Message) David continued to address Solomon: "Take charge! Take heart! Don't be anxious or get discouraged. GOD, my God, is with you in this; he won't walk off and leave you in the lurch. He's at your side until every last detail is completed for conducting the worship of GOD.
When I turned to God after the sobs ceased and there was no energy left to fight I was still, partly because I had no more energy to be anything but still, and partly because God stilled me.
Psalm 65:7 (NAS) Who stills the roaring of the seas, The roaring of their waves, And the tumult of the peoples.
I realized that although he calls me to love and give to others, He also, in that same way loves me and wants to give to me. So when I feel like there is nothing left to give and I have failed in every way, God calls me to take heart and allow Him to love me for the mess I am. He wants me to come before Him and is waiting to listen. He will fix what is broken in His time and He will fix me when I’m broken. I know there will be many more times when my efforts will just seem not good enough but I must have faith that they are good enough for God. I must hope for better days. Finally, I must allow him to love me in order to be able to continue to love others.
Isaiah 35:4 (Message) Tell fearful souls, "Courage! Take heart! GOD is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He's on his way! He'll save you!"
1 Corinthians 13 (NIV) 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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