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So I had a bad day at work today. In fact it has been a bad couple of months... This past month has been populated with moments which left me feeling absolutely flabbergasted in a someone-just-sucker-punched-me-in-the-stomach-and-I-can’t-catch-my-breath sort of way. When I face hardships like these I often cannot see how God plans to use them for any sort of ultimate good - mine or anyone else’s. I lose site of God’s purpose. I don’t see times of hardship as an opportunity to trust God. During these times when He calls me to bring my trials to Him in an effort to draw me closer to Him, I choose to look somewhere else - too often anywhere else but Him.

1 Peter 1:5-7 (Message) 5God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all--life healed and whole. 6I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. 7Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.

Looking back on the past few months, I have faced many challenges at my job and easily lost site of God. There have been many moments where I felt like nothing I did was good enough. I have been lied to as well as lied about and in much of this process I have been a bit too naïve. Towards the end of the year I felt so tired and beaten down emotionally I did not even want to read my bible or pray. I was unable to see the blessings in my life because the hardships seemed much more glaring. I battled with feeling alone in my struggle and at the same time felt guilty for wallowing in pity when there are so many others who face much more than I do. In these trying times there are many who are losing their jobs.

Looking back, I believe that God was trying to get my attention during this time. And as much as I heard him I refused to listen. I wanted to fix things, I wanted to prove myself and I wanted to do it now. I would get caught up in the timing of the issues I faced, losing site of the fact God knew full well what time it was. I asked God why, or why now, because we all have the privilege to do so, but I was so frustrated when he exercised his right not to answer. I felt inconvenienced and sometimes even picked on. Why was all my effort going unnoticed and unappreciated? I felt useless and out of place and yet I felt trapped with no alternatives. I just wanted someone to believe in me and believe that I could do it (whatever “it” happened to be on a given day). I had lost site of Christ and was living for the rewards that can come from Christianity rather than living for Christ. I wanted recognition. I had started to let skewed ambition take the place of reverence for God. Somewhere along the way I had allowed my career goals and skewed ambitions to define my self worth. It has literally taken months for me to truly listen and focus on why He might have allowed certain things to happen. Looking back now I believe it was to purify my heart. He used it to show me things that should not be there and have kept me hearing, but not listening. My faith was being tried and all I could do was beg God to stop. I was missing the point. After all, untried faith is unreliable.

2Tim2:3-13 (Message) When the going gets rough, take it on the chin with the rest of us, the way Jesus did. 4A soldier on duty doesn't get caught up in making deals at the marketplace. He concentrates on carrying out orders. 5An athlete who refuses to play by the rules will never get anywhere. 6It's the diligent farmer who gets the produce. 7Think it over. God will make it all plain.

11This is a sure thing: If we die with him, we'll live with him;12If we stick it out with him, we'll rule with him; If we turn our backs on him, he'll turn his back on us; 13If we give up on him, he does not give up--
for there's no way he can be false to himself.

My battle is nowhere near over. I still feel as though I am learning lessons in the political machine - that is my work place and how it runs. My stomach still churns when I see people maneuvering and placing their selfish ambitions above the needs of the people our work is meant to help. I still have not figured out if I want to learn this “game” that everyone around me seems to be playing. But as I look at the new chapter ahead I cling to the promise that he does not give up on me. When I feel like the desires of my heart are so far from being fulfilled, or the opportunities I long for in my career are nowhere near my grasp, I must believe that whatever is happening must be for my good.

Rom8:28 (NIV) And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…

"'Winging It" from Stan Smith

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