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Refreshment in Refuge

    by Gina Burgess

You and Church Family after Divorce
Date Posted: February 24, 2013

When you are betrayed, life shatters into so many pieces it is difficult to know where to start picking them up and putting them back together. The need to save face after a betrayal stems from a self-misconception you deserved the betrayal or that you caused it in some way. You do not wish to be judged; therefore you use masks to cover the deep emotional turmoil in which you are embroiled. A person will exhibit different aspects of several communication theories while trying to do just that. Politeness Theory explains a lot of the behavior exhibited when a marriage initially breaks apart. Social Exchange Theory explains why a person weighs the cost/benefits of revealing to friends and family the true reasons for divorce. Finally, Communication Privacy Theory helps us to understand the angst involved in deciding exactly what to reveal (and to whom) and what to keep private.

Joy Face is the Public Face: Politeness Theory

After I thought I’d healed properly, I adjusted to life without hope and without a husband and without a really good job. I had adjusted to hopeless living, all the while putting on the “Joy Face” at church and with friends. Joy Face is a mask of great deception to one’s self and loved ones. Often the person wearing the mask has no clue that it is, in fact, a mask. This mask has the ability to filter God’s voice. When the mask slips, all the cracked pieces fall to the floor and there’s this shattering, clanging cymbal sound which drowns out God’s voice all together; and you frantically look around trying to identify anyone who might have heard the racket, or even worse see your innermost pain.

Politeness Theory concept is that everyone has a desired self-image which they project to those around them, both close interpersonal relationships as well as acquaintances. Usually, our church family is where Christians find solace and comfort, but divorce is viewed differently than most other conflict situations beside adultery within the church environment. Betrayal sets an ugly tone, therefore the one betrayed will put a mask on to cover the pain in order to be admired and be Christ-like. That is what we are supposed to do.

How could I face anyone without my mask? People would ask, “What’s wrong?” Then I would have to lie because I couldn’t possibly tell the truth. Christians are not supposed to harbor ill feelings, anger, or to want revenge. A biblical principle is to rejoice in the tribulations because we have Jesus who takes all our hurts and replaces them with joy and peace. Besides, the thing happened so long ago, it was just petty to be harboring any hurt or anger. At least, that was my thought process. So these emotions that had surfaced must be from something else and I just wasn’t trying hard enough. Therefore, the joy mask became a projected self-image to my church family.

Satan woos... The Christian is seduced. Sin creeps in. And we have a witch’s brew for web entanglement. We put on the mask of being a Christian when we least feel like being or acting like a Christian. We submerge all the anger and hurt with whatever we can, hoping that time will erode all the sharp edges. We never realize that closing off part of ourselves from God just opens the door wider for sin to creep in, most of the time we don’t realize we are compartmentalizing. We worry over what our friends will think of what happened. Satan whispers lies that we are worthless; and that no one could possibly understand. Therefore he effectively closes the doors to relationship maintenance, and healthy exchange of information. It is healthy for a person to disclose information, but it can hurt the listener (Lewis & Manusov, 2009).

Rewards and Costs of Sharing

Social Exchange Theory explains why it may be so difficult for a person facing divorce to open up to her church family. The cost of such a revelation could be the dissolution of the church and church member relationship, especially if both spouses are attending the same church. Friends find it difficult to choose between the two so will often pull back from both because the cost of choosing means conflict. This may upset expectations which is “the second core element of SET…the comparison level (CL)” (Dainton & Zelley, 2011, p. 62). Since the church friend’s view may be, “Listening to her tell me what bad things her husband did will just cause me pain, I can’t deal with it,” the cost of investment is perceived as too high. Ending the relationship relieves the pain, so the cost alternative creates greater satisfaction without the friend in emotional turmoil, so the church friend ends the relationship.

This actually happened to me. When talking to this “friend” years later she told me why she pulled back. SET scientifically explains her reasoning. I am amazed at the accuracy. Christians are not supposed to act this way, yet the pain endured by one can be transferred to another by disclosure when the listener is expected to validate the teller’s distress (Lewis & Manusov, 2009).

This study resonated with me as my daughter has been disabled with pain due to an automobile accident. The medications along with the pain have significantly decreased her ability of self-control, so her distress (anger, helplessness feelings, and other emotions) are poured out into my ears. After a conversation with her I’m severely distressed. It is understandable why Christians may fear disclosure because of the potential pain it can cause.

Communication Privacy Management and Maintaining Boundaries

For the record, I do not adhere to the adage that divorce is a sin. God divorced Israel, and God cannot sin. What causes the divorce is sin. How Christians deal with a sibling’s in Christ sin is as diverse as there are bible translations. We desire to please God, but our flesh seems to override that desire. One of the signs of that is when we try to justify the sin either to ourselves or to others. Fear of consequences is another factor.

Our internal and external dialectics help to manage the tensions and flux in our relationships, but sometimes a problem is bigger than a relationship can handle if all the facts and all the ugly details are shared. A key is “CPM recognizes that managing tensions is the central way that relationships are sustained” (Dainton & Zelley, 2011, p. 68). When you share a burden, the load becomes much lighter. The friend knows this and allows the disclosure with the thought in mind that it will comfort you to share. The mistake Christians tend to make is to forget that only God can heal a broken heart.

Only when the Joy Face falls and the hurt heals by God’s tender mercy, can we live full of grace and hear God’s voice. Over several years, I realized I had used that mask as a numbing tool to keep from feeling all the pain and betrayal. Many Christians do the same because they have learned most people cannot be trusted to maintain the privacy boundary. This causes boundary turbulence.

Sandra Petronio says, “Using the framework of CPM, families can learn privacy management skills that help them discern different ways to coordinate privacy boundaries, redefine privacy rules, and make choices about third party disclosures that have a more positive impact on the family as a group,” (Petronio, 2007). The church family could take a page from Petronio’s studies. Being Christ-like is more than just acting like Him. We have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16), therefore we should be able to carry each other’s burdens as we are commanded to do.

Conclusion

As Christians, we fail at maintaining the health of the body of Christ. We excuse ourselves for unforgiveness and point fingers of blame, when all along we must look to God to do the heart cleaning. David understood this when he wrote, “Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew within me a steadfast spirit” in Psalm 51:10. Without God’s strength and power, we are powerless to resist Satan’s plots and ploys; and he uses our pride to perpetuate his control over our communication.

We seem to care more for our self-image, than we do for being honest with each other, but that is because we perceive most of our siblings in Christ as untrustworthy. We have set a precedent that will be hard to overcome, but it is a worthy endeavor to do so, I believe.

Dainton, M. & Zelly, E. D. (2011). Applying Communication Theory For Professional Life. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Lewis, T. and Manusov, V. L. (2009). Listening to another’s distress in everyday relationships. Communication Quarterly, 57(3), 282-301. DOI: 10.1080/01463370903107279

Petronio, S. (2007). Translational research endeavors and the practices of privacy management. Journal of Applied Communication Research, 35(3), 218-222.

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Biography Information:

Gina Burgess has taught Sunday School and Discipleship Training for almost three decades. (Don't tell her that makes her old.) She earned her Master's in Communication in 2013.

She is the author of several books including: When Christians Hurt Christians, The Crowns of the Believers and others available in online bookstores. She authors several columns, using her God-given talent to shine a light in a dark world. You can browse her blog at Refreshment In Refuge.

If you'd like to take a look at some Christian fiction and Christian non-fiction book reviews check out Gina's book reviews at Upon

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