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by Kevin Pauley
He also said: "A man had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of the estate I have coming to me.' So he distributed the assets to them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered together all he had and traveled to a distant country, where he squandered his estate in foolish living." - Luke 15:11-13 HCSB
You need to understand that your adult children don’t necessarily want to be protected. Adults have a lot more freedom than children, but adults understand, often through bitter experience, that with freedom come responsibilities and repercussions. Younger children are protected from some repercussions by their parents, but our older children cannot always be, nor do they necessarily want to be, protected.
The Prodigal was not some young teenager. He was an adult who was able to travel alone and rent housing. He was old enough to know better, to know some of the consequences, but he chose to think he was different. He mistakenly believed that “life” wouldn’t happen to him.
Consider Israel’s decision to have a king. They wanted to be “like all the nations.” The Prodigal probably used the same kind of argument. “Everyone else is doing this or that.” He probably told his father, “You’re just old-fashioned. I wont’ fall for those consequences. I’m not all these other people. You raised me well – I’ll be careful.” Blah blah blah. All the twisted, humanistic logic in the world will not change the consequences of a heart bound over to its yetzer hara (tendency toward evil).
Israel was an entire nation voting in a democratic process. Democracy doesn’t always work. In fact, if you review the history of groups or crowds in the Bible, you will find an ugly story. Crowds almost always descend to the lowest common denominator. Your child may be arguing “everyone else does this.” This is not a valid argument.
On the other hand, you cannot use that as an argument either. Just because he is choosing to go against what society dictates does not necessarily mean it’s wrong. Martin Luther King Jr. went against society too, but he was righteous. The conclusion we must draw is that the only truly valid argument is “This is right and the Scriptures say so here.”
Avoid open confrontation as much as possible. Paul teaches, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”[1] It doesn’t say “be at peace.” It says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace.” Big difference. There will be a time and a place for open confrontation. But you need to make those times occur as far apart as possible. This is part of choosing your battlefield and your timing. Be patient. Confrontation with an adult child almost never works. It only gives them an opportunity to test their will and strength. Even though it might not necessarily always work, discussion about behavior will always work better.
Kevin Pauley is a pastor and writer. He lives in Illinois with his wife, Lynn, their five children and two dogs. His internet address is Berea.
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