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by Kevin Pauley
Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. – Romans 12:15
When you are with those who are grieving, do not judge and do not give them orders. Don’t tell how they should feel. Don’t try to tell them how they should deal with things. If they want to invest money in a larger coffin that you think is necessary, let them. If they want to paint a life-size picture of their loved one – let them! Socially acceptable grief does not exist. Grieving is how individual humans with unique gifts, talents, temperaments, psychological makeup and backgrounds cope with death.
Don’t be a “friend of Job”. Don’t try to tell them how they should feel about God. Let them duke it out with God. He can handle it a lot better than you can. Remember that Job’s three friends went on and on and on. Job did not get an attitude adjustment from any of their counsel. He only got better once he heard from God.
Serve them. Do chores for them. Shop, baby sit, cook, wash their car…just be their crutch until they can find their feet again. People always say “Call me if you need me” but the grieving never call. They tend to withdraw. So just go do it.
Make sure you don’t forget their kids. Kids sometimes appear to deal with death fairly nonchalantly, but that’s because they have fewer coping skills. They are more confused than hurt. They aren’t sure what happened, why it happened or what the appropriate feelings should be. Talk to them. Help them find their way.
Don’t be afraid to refer to the dead loved one. Don’t tiptoe around the issue. By never mentioning them, we may cause the ones grieving to feel that they must hold on to their grief lest the dead one be forgotten.
Share the good times. Help them remember all the sweet summer days, the picnics, the funny things their loved one said. Laughter is great medicine.
Take them out once in a while. Don’t be overbearing, but just try to get them involved in life again. They may turn you down several times. Don’t be discouraged. Just keep asking them out. Make sure it’s something they liked to do before their tragedy struck.
Let them rest. Don’t keep after them all the time. Grief is exhausting. They need time to rest. They need time alone.
Be in it for the long haul. Nobody grieves the same way. Nobody grieves at the same pace. Don’t quit being their friend. Stay in touch. Give them a call once in a while. Send them a card. Send a photograph of your family. Email them. Just let them know someone out there loves them. When you do, don’t be shy about mentioning their loved one. Refer to them the same way you’d refer to any other friend or family member. As far as you are concerned, they still live on – in your memory.
Kevin Pauley is a pastor and writer. He lives in Illinois with his wife, Lynn, their five children and two dogs. His internet address is Berea.
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