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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
Anger can sometimes be a byproduct of fear. When I get hostile towards people, situations, and God, more often than not it is rooted in a deeper fear. While listening to a recent lesson it really dawned on me: “As I get ready to leave my job and continue to search for new opportunities I literally do not know where in the world I will end up.” This scares me. I want God to give me answers now. I am excited for the prospect of what is to come but I am also fearful of the unknown. One fear unfortunately exposes many more. In my attempt to control these fears or try to ignore them I exhibit signs of insanity.
Col 4:5-6 (NIV) Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
A sure fire sign of me losing my mind is me losing my patience quickly with people and situations. I resented a work assignment because I was afraid to fail at it. I questioned my boss in assigning it to me. This was disrespectful and showed disregard for their role of authority in my life. When I behave in this way I do not act wisely and do not consider how it will be perceived. I can also exhibit this crazy behavior in social interactions. My fear makes me feel vulnerable, and as a means of protection I can respond with anger. Thinking that, “if I am angry or apathetic it will look as though I don’t care when it hurts or when I fail.”
Margaret Thatcher once said, “I am extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.” I too can be patient if I think that I can see the outcome; key phrase being, “I think.” Lets face it, none of us can really see the future further than the tips of our noses. Steve Kinnard, in his book, Like A Tree Planted by Streams of Water, translates patience from the Greek word, makrothumia as, “to keep anger at a distance.” This week my actions were characterized by anger, quick fuses, wrath, abusive talk, quarreling, hostility, grumpiness, and apathy. These characterize a non-Christian life. I suspended self-control and did nothing to keep anger at a distance.
Col3:12 (NLT) Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
When I feel vulnerable and naked I must choose if I will cloth myself with patience, or if I will cloth myself with fear and anger. In that split second when gripped by fear, the choice can be very difficult. It is hard to step out into the unknown whether it means letting a new person into my life, letting go of past hurts, or leaving a job. Whatever “it” may be, our lives are constantly changing and God is working. He needs me to be patient while he does his thing. I am still called to show mercy to those around me - to be kind. Yes, my time at my current position may be running out, but it is all the more opportunity for me to make the most out of my remaining time there, as Colossians 4:5-6 indicate.
Ish41:9b-10 (NIV) I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.
I fear rejection whether it is by a potential employer or other people. I can internalize rejection as personal failure. However, I have realized that I can keep making “I” statements and focus on me, or I can get over myself and trust God. I read and meditated over Ish. 41 for a long time this week. God does not define success the way the world does. God chose me and never rejects me. This gives me strength to overcome the rejections I may face in the world. My job, people - they do not define me. Things may not go according to my plan but God is still with me and I do not have to be afraid.
When I lose my mind and am gripped by fear I know I need to turn to God for comfort and reassurance. When I let him help me I am able to be truly patient and wait on him instead of ‘fake-wait’ on what I want. This enables me to define success by Jesus’ standard and not my own. I need to measure success by my vision of what I can do for God. This means focusing on others instead of myself. With the right perspective I can contain the crazy; be a better friend, a better employee and example at work; and allow others to know not only me but who God is in my life. Don’t get me wrong, the fear and the crazy will still be there, but I can do the right thing despite their presence when my focus is on God and his love instead of me and my fear.
Psalm 121:5-8 (NIV) The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, not the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from al harm- he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
Like what your read? Check out my blog: http://stronggirlforlife.wordpress.com/
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