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Quiet Time
by Kasia Kedzia
This week like every other week has been one of me falling flat on my face and being pulled by God out of the mess I managed to make.
Psalm 27:6 (Message) God holds me head and shoulders above all who try to pull me down.
I have had multiple interactions with people in my life that have recently exposed, on a whole new level, my fear of being vulnerable. In my reluctance to be vulnerable with others I can hide behind sarcasm, jokes, or aggressive behavior. I have gained a new prospective recently on really wanting to make an effort to not fall into my old patterns of behavior and in fact be more vulnerable. The thought alone made me queasy. As every new opportunity arose for me to be open, I would pray to God to replace my proud defensive heart with one that was contrite and content in Him. I prayed for courage to be vulnerable, yet as soon as I was in the actual situation it was like a switch was thrown and instead of me being able to communicate the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing, I kept spouting out sarcasm and aggression. No matter how hard I would try in each situation throughout the week I felt like I was failing. It would not be until after each situation that I would see, or someone else would point out how I had indeed NOT been vulnerable. I had failed and was frustrated.
Romans 7:14-25 (NIV) 14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. F28 For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. 21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.
I hate being wrong and having to return to someone and admit my error or show my vulnerable side; I can see it as weakness. I did not enjoy having to go back to those people and expressing what I was really feeling or thinking in the situations where I put up walls and reacted instead of being honest and vulnerable. However, I was glad that I was able to have the courage to do so. It still felt torturous and as I said what I was really feeling or thinking, I felt absolutely naked and exposed. It felt like a war was literally going on inside my head as I fought to not revert to my defense mechanisms.
As I allowed myself to be vulnerable with others, ironically enough, what came out was that they already saw through my defensiveness and sarcasm, but they themselves were unable to be vulnerable enough to also share what they saw in me. It was only when I allowed them to see what was going on inside of me that they too were able to share what they were feeling and thinking. As soon as I was able to let down my guard it allowed others to feel safe enough to let down theirs.
Funny thing about doing the right thing, in the end, it really is a lot less painful then expected. I know that I will continue to need people to help me see when I go back to being ridiculously me. In the end I truly believe it will enrich not only my friendships, but my understanding and relationship with God as well.
22 For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23 but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin
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Since those first days, I have made it out of the Projects, finished my Masters degree in International Development, and moved to DC to work in my field. As a young single Christian woman my struggles today are a little different than they were when I first came to know God, but who am I kidding, not much. It's the every day battle for my heart to be pure before God, to strive to please him, and help others to seek and know Him.
Over my years of a faithful walk with God I have received much grace and compassion and have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Through out it all one thing has stayed consistent: God's word. Through His word I have been inspired and it has kept me faithful even when faith seemed like a foreign concept and God seemed deaf to my prayers. I started emailing my Quiet Times which helped me stay accountable as I shared my struggles and fought for understanding. Some wrote back and said they too were inspired and could relate. I hope some of my times can help inspire others who are seeking and fighting just like I am, to get to heaven and take as many as possible with me along the way.
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