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The title for this article is intentionally ridiculous, because I am fairly confident that it will invoke one of the following three responses:

1. Mainly men will think, 'Too right! Women need to learn their place, and it's doing what I tell them to do!'

2. Mainly women will think, 'What a nerve! How dare you use such a patronising and abusive term towards wives?'

3. An approximate mix will think, 'I think I know where he's going with this...' and if that's you then you may be right!

The passage I have been looking at this week is in Ephesians 5: 'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.' (Ephesians 5:22-24)

What it means

So, to begin we must recognise that these verses are not in context here - in Paul's letter the verse before has said 'submit to one another out of reverence for Christ' (Ephesians 5:21), and the following verses go on to talk about how men should 'love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her' (Ephesians 5:25). Verse 21 is used by some to argue that the submission of wives to their husbands is just an example of how we can all 'submit to one another', and therefore should not be taken literally, but this is not logical; husbands are not told explicitly to submit to their wives (although that is in some way assumed in verse 21) - verses 22-24 are a specific instruction to wives in addition to the Christian responsibility to submit to one another. In other words, as Christians we ought all to humble ourselves and submit to one another, but in a marriage situation wives should explicitly submit to their own husbands. What I say in one short article will go no distance to fully exploring this complex and dangerous area, so I would encourage you to read Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper and Wayne Grudem.

What it means for men

The biggest challenge I can read from this is actually for husbands, rather than wives; how should a husband respond to biblical teaching to wives to submit? The answer is surely not to take advantage of his wife's submission, or force submission onto her, because husbands are instructed in verse 25 to love their wives 'as Christ loved the Church' - He lived His life, and died His death out of an unending, undeserving love for His bride, and it is that act in part which inspires us to serve Him and submit ourselves to Him. Husbands, therefore, must be to their wives a fountain of unending love and forgiveness, continually putting their wives first and seeking ways to love them better through servant leadership, as modelled perfectly by Christ Himself.

Secondly, husbands should recognise that leading a wife who is submitting is not a desciription of the husband or wife's worth - both man and woman are equally created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27); leadership is merely the role that the husband should take on. No-one can argue me into believing that my boss at work is 'better' than I am, or that those I lead are of less worth than me - we just hold different roles. The perfect picture of this is the Holy Trinity, in which are three distinct persons, who are each fully God, yet Jesus clearly submits to His Father (John 5:19) - there is some form of hierarchy in loving, perfect equality.

What it means for women

If the husband's role is such a challenge, then is the wife's role comparatively easy? As I am not a wife I cannot hope to judge, but certainly the responsibility is substantially less. All big, important decisions with consequences can be released to the husband - if something goes catastrophically wrong it will never be the wife's fault! There is a challenge here, however, because men, let's face it, have very little brains and cannot understand women's feelings and so will therefore (often) make bad choices, which their wives would not have made. And so, the challenge for women is a subtle one and is twofold:

Firstly, wives absolutely must above all else believe in their husbands. Wives are not meant to be their husband's biggest critic - they should be their biggest fan! If a man does a reading on a Sunday morning, and is encouraged by every member of the congregation after the service, but his wife only points out his flaws then that is all he will hear. In the same way, if the congregation all picked up on little things but his wife told him how great she thought he was, he will remain confident and wish to continue to serve. Wives, if you even think that your husband cannot do it, then he will sense your unbelief, and lose his passion to do exactly that which you wish him to do the most.

Secondly, wives you must influence your husbands. When a man is trying on a shirt and his wife says, 'you're not going to wear that with those trousers, are you?' the man is very quick to say 'no, of course not - I was just checking that it still fits!' This is a trivial example, but in every situation that you face then wives, please, encourage your husbands, allow them to lead and do please influence them!

What it doesn't mean

Of course, with a subject like this there are bound to be incorrect interpretations, so here are a couple of minefields to avoid:

Husbands - never tell your wife to submit to you! Find out the reasons for her 'rebellion' if she is not, and then deal with them in love. Your marriage is not a master-slave relationship, and leading her wisely should build it, not offend.

Wives - don't just give the big, tough decisions to your husband or he will only let you down! Give him responsiblity for everything and acknowledge him when he makes the right decisions, then when it comes time for him to step up and make a big call he will do it well and honour you in it.

Husbands - don't just assume that because you think you're loving your wife, and that she is submitting to everything that you are doing everything right! Tell your wife that you love her all the time in your words, through gifts, through spending time with her, through sending her an unexpected text message during the day - anything you can think of.

Wives - although you should influence your husband, never manipulate him! It is too easy for you to manipulate your husband, particularly abusing his sexual desires, so that you can get your own way - don't! Love him!

What to remember

The ultimate thing to remember throughout all our marriages is the perfect model God has provided: Christ and the church. By recognising all that is and focussing our marriages on His example, we will continue to build our marriages and grow in love for one another and for God.

"'Winging It" from Stan Smith

Inspired