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It’s been two years since my life turned upside down, literally, in a matter of days. My grandmother died, my position was eliminated at work, and I lost my place to live. This was the beginning of what would become my ‘Job’ season.

I’d love to tell you I handled this season, just like Job, with faith and hope and leaned into it all with grace but I didn’t. I ran from the pain. I gave into fear and allowed it to dictate my choices. I let my emotions lead me and lost myself. I was angry at God and let go of my faith. I leaned into what I wanted and…  ( Click for more )

“You don’t really know who you are until you stop being who you aren’t.” – La Funk

Just when I thought I had learned something about vulnerability I was challenged to, yup, be more vulnerable. This time it was different, the challenge came not in the form of sharing feelings, but taking risks.

“I’m good at taking risks,” I’ve thought in the past, I try new scary things all the time, I travel to unsafe places, I speak in front of large groups of people. This risk was different. This was articulating what I want, who I…  ( Click for more )

As I sat across from her I was bursting with love and gratitude. The weekend was winding down as she leaned in, looked me in the eyes and proceeded to share, “I see a change in you. You no longer need to control the narrative. You are just letting things flow and being easy…”

Tears welled in my throat and rose to my eyeballs. She has known me for 15 years. We have walked through so many seasons of life together. Three years ago this same amazing friend had the love and courage to tell me the truth: I had to know what was happening at every step, I asked…  ( Click for more )

“Figure out what you want and learn how to ask for it.”

I have heard this message a lot lately and honestly, it really scared me. It scared me to think about articulating what I want, on small and large scale. I’ve been scared to ask for what I want and I’ve lied to myself and others as to the reason behind this fear for many years.

I would never have said that I don’t think I matter. I believe in an all loving God. I believe He died for me and loves me beyond measure. I am confident and strong and independent. Yet I’ve been learning that…  ( Click for more )

I started to write her a letter. It was supposed to convey my forgiveness. It was supposed to help me let go of the past. I was struggling to find the words. I wanted to forgive. Heck, I thought I had. I had made the decision to forgive, but I have been learning that I hadn’t completely gone through the process of forgiving.

I’m learning a lot about this process. It’s not about getting ‘over it’ but getting through it. In the past I had faced the facts, what happened, and even addressed some of the impact, what it did to me, but I had barely…  ( Click for more )

“To be loved but not known is comforting, but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from the pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” – Tim Keller

Compassion, co-suffering, feeling things deeply that affect the other, fully knowing them. Compassion compels love. I’ve spent so much time trying to convince those I love the most in…  ( Click for more )

The heat rose to my face and the pain started to permeate my entire stomach up to my throat. I couldn’t breathe. My entire body felt hot and numb at the same time. “How could he?” I thought. “How could someone I loved, that loved me, inflict such devastating pain and not be aware of it?” How could there be such absolute lack of empathy? However, I had learned by now that anger is not a sin, but rather how I handle it makes the difference between love and devastation. I walked away, and asked what we can each ask in such a moment, “What am I really…  ( Click for more )

Love doesn’t rush. God has been teaching me to slow down lately. If you have ever met me you know how absolutely excruciating that is, but it’s necessary. This lesson was a long time coming.

When God’s will doesn’t match my expectations, I can choose to challenge or trust His plans for me. I have seen this in my character over time: when my grandmother died, when I hit my 30s still single, when I got a call from an estranged family member wanting money and threatening to hurt themselves. When circumstances and relationships don’t turn out the way…  ( Click for more )

In order for me to love well I must first receive love. This is not easy for me. I am a lot more comfortable with giving rather than receiving. Receiving love leaves me feeling vulnerable. Receiving love leaves me afraid of trusting the giver, scared that once I do they will leave or that I will become to dependent on their giving. Because of my family of origin I know my mind is hard wired with these fears, but God in His love re-wires me.

Proverbs 3:11 “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, 12 because the Lord disciplines…  ( Click for more )

Love is humble. Humility is the opposite of boasting, the opposite of pride. In my pride I say, “I can handle this. I can do this on my own. I am in control. I can fix it.” Fear fuels my pride. I turn to my own strength when I am terrified.

In my pride I miss God’s miracles in my life. I sometimes miss the work God is doing on the hearts of my friends because his work doesn’t look the way I think it should. I plead to see myself through God’s eyes yet dismiss the random text from a person he is using to speak courage and love into my heart.

The…  ( Click for more )

Love does not envy. Envy is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

The more I compare, the less I see God. When I compare it often exposes my envy. It exposes my discontentment and longing for the things I do not have. It exposes my unmet expectations of life’s circumstances or relationships. My unmet expectations leave me feeling hurt and disappointed. They make God feel far away.

“Disappointment muffles God’s voice.” I recently heard Lysa TerKeurst say in a podcast.

Luke…  ( Click for more )

Love does not envy. Envy is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck.

The more I compare, the less I see God. When I compare it often exposes my envy. It exposes my discontentment and longing for the things I do not have. It exposes my unmet expectations of life’s circumstances or relationships. My unmet expectations leave me feeling hurt and disappointed. They make God feel far away.

“Disappointment muffles God’s voice.” I recently heard Lysa TerKeurst say in a podcast.

Luke…  ( Click for more )

Love is kind. I often forget to start with myself when I consider this statement in 1 Corinthians 13:4. Yet, it’s not enough to just recognize when I am unkind, in order to truly change I need to know why.

“It does not do to leave a living dragon out of your calculations if you live near him” – JRR Tolkien

As I listened to a Christian meditation the narrator shared that quote by Tolkien. It really made me pause to consider my dragons and how often I take them into my calculations versus try to ignore them. My dragons keep me from accessing the…  ( Click for more )

You are meant for greatness. You have a God given purpose and are loved beyond measure by the creator of the Universe. When life’s circumstances get hard and painful I have trouble believing this. I question if those around me can still see it in my day-to-day life. This year was not an easy one, I made it more difficult than it should have been. 2018 left my faith hurting and doubting God’s love and purpose for me in many ways.

2019 is a year of returning to God’s love and purpose for me. As I have wrestled with aspects of my faith and His plan for me through…  ( Click for more )

How I define success is crucial to my growth. When I broaden my notion of success I am more likely to learn and grow. It’s harder to do this when I think I am failing. I can sometimes feel like I am failing those I care about most, or that I am failing God. How I view myself plays into my notions of success.

When my self-worth is caught up in the opinion of others it can become more about me in self-centered ways. My perspective narrows and the way I engage with those I care about most, God, and even myself, changes. Success is actually about me not getting stuck in following…  ( Click for more )

How I define success is crucial to my growth. When I broaden my notion of success I am more likely to learn and grow. It’s harder to do this when I think I am failing. I can sometimes feel like I am failing those I care about most, or that I am failing God. How I view myself plays into my notions of success.

When my self-worth is caught up in the opinion of others it can become more about me in self-centered ways. My perspective narrows and the way I engage with those I care about most, God, and even myself, changes. Success is actually about me not getting stuck in following…  ( Click for more )

Even though I have experienced an amazing amount of personal and professional success lately, I have numbed pain and therefore numbed joy. I have longed to do the right thing but my selfishness has gotten in the way. There is a passage of scripture in Jeremiah 17 that has always stirred my heart in warning as it speaks of people prospering and not being able to see it.

Jer17:6-7 “That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. […] But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.”

Dissatisfaction,…  ( Click for more )

This past year God used circomstances in my life to teach me a lesson I didn’t even think I needed to learn. Over the last two years God has worked such miracles in my life and heart and healed me from pain I spent my entire young adult life running from. My mother’s abandonment, my father’s alcoholism and suicide, my heartbreak from a relationship with a man I thought I would marry, my self-centeredness, control and pride. The list could go on. He has healed and He has blessed, and continues to do so. Yet this was only the beginning.

This August my grandmother…  ( Click for more )

It was Sunday afternoon when the facetime call came in from overseas. “Hey, how are you?!” she said with a smile. Out of what seemed like nowhere my chest tightened and tears welled up in my eyes. “Not so good,” I blurted out as though someone else had taken control of my body. That’s not what I wanted to say but it was the truth and in this safe space that was my friend’s presence I was suddenly falling apart.

Genesis 32:24-30 (ESV) “And Jacob was left alone. And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the…  ( Click for more )

Sometimes people disappoint us. They fall short of our expectations. In these moments I am learning to examine my expectations first instead of looking to blame someone for falling short. Regularly checking my expectations has been teaching me so much. Ultimately, I want to love people better, I want to succeed at my job, and make a positive impact on this world and the people around me, to God’s glory. When my expectations are off I fail to see the bigger perspective, it narrows my vision and prevents me from doing any of the above things well.

Pv3:7 “Do not be…  ( Click for more )

I’ve recently been faced with mourning the loss of my father, again. I didn’t grow up with my father. I lived with him briefly the summer before starting High School. We were not close when he died over 10 years ago. I didn’t want to go to the funeral and I remember being so angry at him for taking his own life. A wise mentor and friend told me at that time, “Go, you will mourn this loss at different stages in your life. Go, or you will regret it.” So, I went. Looking back now, I am glad I did.

Mourning is important. Over the last two years I have…  ( Click for more )

When someone thinks they will constantly disappoint you, they will eventually withdraw. As I write this statement heat rises to my face and chest. I know I have made others feel this way in the past. When this realization truly sunk in for me it was a major catalyst for personal change. However there is another disappointment I grapple with – When I think I am disappointing God, I can withdraw from Him.

Rm 5:5 “This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit.”

Disappointment is a feeling…  ( Click for more )

God’s grace doesn’t always look the way I want it to. Sometimes I want grace to come in the form of human comfort and compassion when I have fallen short of others expectations. I want grace to be about absolving me from my pain and sometimes even from the responsibility to love better. I desire mercy for my failures quickly, but can lack empathy at the pain my own sin can cause. More often than not, I am learning to see that it is about me seeing and accepting I am a sinner, so I can see the extent of grace given me, and as a result extend this grace to those around…  ( Click for more )

“Grace does not tire in giving others courage to continue” – Wisdom Hunters

Every year I have a theme or word to give me a deliberate focus and purpose in my walk with God. In 2016 my word was Joy. Joy was the new black. The year was filled with much joy, mourning and letting go. Part of picking up joy is surrendering the things that hurt, or caused me pain. Surrendering what I want for what God wants has been hard but so beautiful. I thought I knew how God would use my repentance but I was wrong. He used it in ways so much more meaningful and beyond me. To…  ( Click for more )